Mothers and Adoptees are not the Only Ones Fighting!

I found this on FB, a wonderful testament to intelligence and honesty!

Adoptive Mother Believes in Open Records

PBS Program....Article - Adoption From the Adoptees Point of View

Baby Rescue or Baby Factory is a wonderful article that talks about the adoption from a different perspective - the adoptees.....it is a definite must read!

Letter to Prospective Adopter(s) Cathrynbrent From An Adoptee

This letter is from an adoptee to the people that are in the last blog post - She copied me on the letter and said that I could post it - so here it is!
Hello,

I posted a comment on your blog asking you legit questions and it was removed. I am 32 years old and was adopted at 3. The state took me away from my mother because she was in foster care. The questions that I asked you were not intended to be mean in any way, but the way that it was removed made me feel as if you don't know the answers or you don't want people to think twice about your reasons for adopting a child. My questions are: Why adoption? Have you tried the other resources out there to conceive your own child? Foster homes are filled with children that are unwanted and or misunderstood, why not one of them? Why post a blog like an ad for adoption when it just looks like (in my opinion) you just need to get a puppy? There are so many young women out there that got pregnant that either the father left, or they feel they can't provide for the baby that would take money in a heart beat to regret it later. Another question I have is you say that you have a parenting "style"...how can you have a parenting style when you are not parents. Taking care of someone elses child for a short time is different than taking care of one full time. After all children do not come with instruction manuals. Now before you tell me that I have no idea, I do; I have 2 children of my own. It pains me to see your comments about loving "OUR" child when in fact the baby is not YOURS. Someone else gave birth to this baby, nursed this child with her own breasts, and changed this baby's diaper for the first time. The mother carried this child for 9 months and should not be treated like a loaner uterus. How are you going to prepare yourself for the dreaded talk to the child about adoption? You can't prepare for that and you can't prepare for the reaction that the child with give you. I was furious. I'm not saying that you will be bad "parents" but a child can retaliate to the news of being adopted and no matter how much to tell this child that you love him/her or that their biological mother was doing what was best, the child will always feel that he/she was not wanted by the one person that should love them no matter what. Children are not puppies and should not be treated as such. IF you want to adopt why not go to the foster homes and adopt one from there? IF you want to adopt a child why not adopt a preteen or even a teen. Fact is that a child over the age of 3-4 are not wanted and left in the system till they become of age. IF you say you have so much love to give and want to culture a child, why not become foster parents yourselves? That way you can give a young adult or even an older child that knows what is going on the sight and feeling of being loved? That way when the child/ teen is of age he/she can move on into adulthood with the knowledge that a couple took them in when no one else would and showed them how to be good adults? You can't just wake up one morning a decide that you want to take a baby from someone and call it your own. Sorry life doesn't work that way.

This is the Blog of Prospective Adopters - Really look at it

Tuesday, October 12, 2010About Us:



The journey to find the right parents for your baby is a courageous one. We are humbled that you may be considering us.

We've created this site to help you to get to know us. We hope to get to know you as well and to learn about your dreams for the future.

We're Best Friends

We love nature. We go hiking and camping around California.

We want to share the beauty of this earth with our child.

Camping in Yosemite

We love rollerskating

We have the same sparkle now that we had when we first met.

We support each other.

We cherish each other every day.

On the beach in Malibu

We laugh together.

We volunteer together.

We met in an acting class in 1997 and fell in love.

We've been a happy couple ever since.

We got married in 2004.

We appreciate each other so much.

Click on the red links at the top of the page on the right to find out more about us.

cathrynbrent@gmail.com

At home

Posted by Cathryn and Brent at 10:29 PM Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook Share to Google Buzz 12 comments:

sheila said...

The two of you would make such wonderful parents! You are both selfless, loving, supportive, fun, and full of life! I love you both and wish you the best with your future family! Love,Sheila.

November 10, 2010 4:04 PM

Jody said...

I read through your website and it made me want to be a part of your family!!!

When I first heard you were looking to adopt I was so happy. I was ecstatic to think of the lucky child who would land in your arms and grow in your home, amidst the light that you emit as individuals and a couple. And you can not even imagine the joy that your child will bring to you. It's miraculous! Congratulations! xo Jody

November 14, 2010 7:32 PM

Mary Beth said...

Every child deserves a home as loving as yours! We can't wait to witness your beautiful family grow! XOXO, Mary Beth

November 14, 2010 8:59 PM

Kate VanD said...

You two have been opening your home and your hearts to others for so many years...I know so many people who have been touched by your compassion, generosity and kindness (myself included!) It seems only natural to welcome a child into your lives. May the joy you've given so many others be returned to you in spades!

Love, Kate VanD

November 14, 2010 9:29 PM

Christine said...

Cathryn & Brent - what you see is what you get!

We love you both - you are Super-Real and

Down-to-Earth! Rock-Solid! Any child would be amazingly fortunate to have you as parents! Wow! Big Wow! You have the most Beautiful Hearts!

Christine Fisher and Kile Fisher

November 15, 2010 12:50 PM

Patricia Cregan Navarra said...

You are the personification of Spring, all love and hope and optimism. Can't wait until your lucky baby finds their way to you. God bless. xoxo

November 16, 2010 8:19 PM

LaTonia Colas said...

I am so excited for you both! A child is such a precious gift. You two are so amazing together and you deserve to be parents to a child who needs your love. Your baby will be so blessed to have you as parents. I will keep you in my prayers. xoxo

November 18, 2010 6:27 PM

Toni Oswald said...

I became so filled with happiness just looking at your site here and thinking about how amazing it would be to be raised by the two of you. You both are two of the most generous, kind, loving and supportive people I have ever know. I wish you all the best in your search and I know you will create a joyous family who believes, cherishes, loves and supports one another. I can't wait to watch your journey unfold.

November 20, 2010 10:43 AM

amnus said...

your live is colorfull...I like see

December 1, 2010 7:24 PM

mAdwords said...

So cute....I like see too.

December 2, 2010 4:02 AM

Lori said...

Nice - one question - why did you wait until you could not have children of your own to marry and start a family? Not that I think you did this, but it sure looks like it.

December 2, 2010 8:05 AM

MrsL said...

I am an adoptee and although you seem like a nice couple, so did my a-rents; lets say once the doors closed it wasn't so pretty. I'm not saying that you would be abusive toward the child in any way so please don't take it that way. My question is, why adoption? Have you tried ALL of the resources to conceive your own child? Also I was not too fond of your statement saying that you would love "YOUR" child because well lets face it, the child is not yours. Yes you will care for it, but you did not carry the child and nurse it. Adoption is a hard decision for the biological mother to make. Would you allow the mother to have contact with the child? Would you talk to the child about his/her mother and explain why he/she was adopted? I will be honest, but to me it seems like you want to have the "perfect" family with the child and the picket white fence and the puppy. Like my mom Lori(biological mom and only mom regardless of the adoption) stated why did you wait so long to start a family? There are so many kids out there in the foster system that need parents yet you seem to want a baby, why is that? Would you consider adopting a preteen or even a teen? Are you willing to tell the child that he/she is adopted and go through the "you're not my mother" phase? The hate and anger that will most likely follow? Maybe not towards you but the biological mother. Why create a web page for adoption when there are plenty of foster homes that have "unwanted" and misunderstood children?

December 2, 2010 9:50 AM


*NOW - THINK ABOUT THIS - THERE WERE WONDERFUL PICTURES AND SMILING FACES...AND THESE PEOPLE ARE IN THEIR 30s - PAST THE POINT WHERE THEY COULD HAVE EASILY HAD CHILDREN....THEIR CAREERS CAME FIRST.  THEY HAVE LINKS ON THEIR PARENTING STYLE - EXCUSE ME?  HOW DO THEY KNOW?  THEY HAVE NEVER PARENTED.

THEIR STATEMENTS WERE ABOUT THEM, THEIR CHILD - BUT THE FACT IS THEY DON'T HAVE A CHILD AND BECAUSE OF THIS THEY WANT SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD....MAYBE IF THEY HAD NOT BEEN SO BUSY CAMPING AND ACTING AND SWIMMING AT MALIBU, THEY MIGHT HAVE HAD THEIR OWN CHILDREN - RATHER THAN STEALING ANOTHER WOMAN'S CHILD!
GIVE ME YOUR CHILD! - the link to the blog that these adopters have put up!

The Hidden Loss - Intense and Understanding....Real

This link connects to a beautifully written statement with regard to adoption, the loss and the repercussions....An interesting statement to the entirety.

The Hidden Loss

Single Miss - by Celeste Billhartz

Single Miss


©2003 and ©2010 Celeste Billhartz


Heretofore, primordial gore
Landed on some fertile shore
Snuggled up with full intent
To spawn some eggy firmament

Ever since, the fish and fowl
Cats and bears and hounds that howl
Find themselves enamoured true
A few for life ... affixed like glue.

God designed the human womb
Made it fertile very soon
Filled the twosome with desire
A look, a touch ignites the fire.

Man and woman, humankind
Cupid's arrow in their behind
Both are sodden and serene
Soon a baby's on the scene.

Hounds and whales and bears and sheep
Close to mother babies keep
Nursing 'til they've had their fill
Keeps away the bugs and chill.

Humans, on the other hand,
Insist their Moms have wedding band
Thus, infant born to single Miss
Is quickly sold to those deemed fit.

More valued they, with treasure chest
Than grieving Mom with milky breast ...
That motherhood be so defined
Never entered God's good mind.

The Declassified Adoptee: The History of "Openness"

The OBC - original birth certificate - being hidden or restricted has created an entire movement within the adoption community. It is, from the mothers and adoptees, viewed as the ultimate lie...to hide the reality of who an adoptee was to them. Read on:

The Declassified Adoptee: The History of "Openness"

"The Forgotten Maggies" -

I recently watched a video linked on another blog page about the Magdelaine Houses in Ireland.  The horrific thing is that it was even longer for them than the rest of us.....their shame was lifetime and enforced....



These women deserve our respect, admiration and most of all, their lives back.

A Prayer For Truth - C Billhartz

Celeste touches my heart in so many ways.  Wise and kind.  Most of all, she is a real person....she is an adoptee...Please watch.

Prayer For Truth

Medical Records and Adoption

When researching adoption, after the fact, I found the one thing that shocked me.  The one thing that made absolutely no sense....

Adoptees can't get their medical records without a court order.  That is true of most places.  Especially with sealed records and the simple fact that most of us don't know our family medical history when we are so young.

For me, this particular article hit home - hard.

Your Mother Would Know

Adoption Truth: What Do We Hear In Their Voices

Language, pressure and belief - how adoption agencies work and train people to adopt.

Adoption Truth: What Do We Hear In Their Voices

"Neither Here Nor There...": We're Birthparents Promised Confidentiality?

"Neither Here Nor There...": We're Birthparents Promised Confidentiality?

"Neither Here Nor There...": Coming Home to Self by Nancy Verrier

Excellent Information Regarding The Trauma of Separation!

"Neither Here Nor There...": Coming Home to Self by Nancy Verrier

"Neither Here Nor There...": "ADOPTED: for the life of me"

This video is excellent...I will be looking for the actual film.

"Neither Here Nor There...": "ADOPTED: for the life of me"

One Option Means No Choice: Anger and adoption

I love this entry because it states so eloquently what I have been attempting to say....and it is so real.

One Option Means No Choice: Anger and adoption: "Today Tyler Perry said something on the Oprah show that I could relate to. ~ 'Anger is good, bitterness is not'. He was talking about deali..."

Origins Inc., "Bible Will or Bible Swill"

I found this on a couple of other blogs and find it to be very interesting...While I expect people to make up their own minds...I find myself agree with a lot of the view points expressed within the article.

Bible Will or Bible Swill

A definite good read.

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: The Trauma of Being Adopted

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: The Trauma of Being Adopted

"Neither Here Nor There...": Vital Records: The Debate on Adoptee Rights Pt 3

This is interesting in that it states what natural parents have been stating, upholds the need to have roots and places the realities of wanting to know who you are, squarely in a place of understanding...sadly, the same negative voices still speak out as if they have the right to speak for us all.

"Neither Here Nor There...": Vital Records: The Debate on Adoptee Rights Pt 3

My Adoption Story - Becca Ginley - The Real Story Of Open Adoption

 As for my adoption I was 19 when it happen my son is now 10 but they used a place on IL where I live this place is huge on secrecy it called center for family building, how sick right? But anyways the day I met with my so called "birth parent advocate" I was lied to, brainwashed, coerced basically they took my feelings and concerns and trashed them. Every time I had a concern about not being able to go through with it they would remind me they were paying for my apartment (parents kicked me out) and did i have the money to repay them? They also made me feel like I was scum for not being married telling me my son needed two parents with money.

They made adoptive mom call me often crying and telling me I was "angel" for giving her the chance to be a mommy. (They had another child she is African American they stated they "settled" on her cause they weren't sure if they would ever get a white child) Whenever she called me i felt like crap for doubting my decision.

 The birth parent advocate acted like my best friend and acted like she was truly worried about me and my son, she wasn't but she was a great actress. I was also. so I stated over and over again I would not go through with this unless it was fully open everyone agreed I was to have their full names address, phone number and pictures and letters every 3 months and visits twice a year meaning picnics, trips to the zoo etc with his adopters of course. Everyone agreed but with no contract cause in IL open adoptions are NOT legally binding.

Things started getting nasty the night I went into labor. I told the adopters they could be at the hospital but not in the room but yet  adopter mom forced herself into the room and the Dr because of this was an adoption didn't feel I had any right telling "soon to be mommy" as she repeatedly called the beast that she couldn't witness the birth of "her" son.

Thank god my best friend was also there. But throughout the night during labor she kept saying you better not be changing your mind this is costing us a lot of money and every time I screamed in pain she told me to shut up and be strong.  Finally, I gritted my teeth and said "you have no idea how much this hurts and you never will so sit down shut up and enjoy the effin show bitch" probably not the nicest thing to say but I was 19 a kid and going through labor without an epidural which I got later so I was entitled to my say. Anyways right after my son was born after i held him a nurse who I hadn't seen came in she looked at the doctor who nodded her head she went to give me meds in my iv and I started yelling I don't want any damn drugs what the hell are those??!!" the nurse something to help you relax and I was yelling objections but as soon as the needle hit the iv I passed out cold. I didn't wake up for 12 hours when I woke up the birth parent advocate was shoving papers in my hand saying sign these I asked what they were she said medical releases I groggily signed.  Nurse ratchet was standing there and the advocate said "I'm done" immediately the nurse shot me up again I was too groggy to resist. When I was totally off the drugs I started screaming I wanted to see my son I was told that if I didn't shut up and go home I would never see my 2 year old daughter again and I wouldn't be able to go home and I would be living on the streets. I snapped my mouth shut real quick.

When they came to pick him up from the hospital I was so sick with grief, I was sobbing throwing up horribly. The adoptwitch said this isn't the end its just the begining. The first 6 months everything seemed OK I got my pics and I had a p.o. box and cell phone I got my letter pictures phone calls and at 6 months I got my first visits as promised. I will mention they said for "legal reasons" I couldn't have their last names, address and phone numbers till after a 6 month period. 

Now this did seem hokey to me, but I was a dumb kid what did I know? not much that's for damn sure! At the visit the adopters were very on edge it was so clear they didn't want to be there especially when my son reached for me, yep that's right 6 months old and he remembered his momma. Adoptawitch claimed he was just a friendly baby who loved everyone uh hu sure sure.So anyways after the visit I said so see ya in march right?? Adoptawitch (Julie, but I don't think that's her real name) said sure whatever.

I tried calling shortly after the visit, about 2 days and their phone was turned off I went to the post office the P.O. box was closed!!! I later found out the adoption had finalized on that day. I called the agency livid furious ready to spit fire. I said WTF is going on?! She said the parents have decided that its in their sons best interest to not know about being adopted. Oh really! and what about my supposed open adoption? "NOT LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE"!!

Now whenever I want pictures I have to fight with the agency to the tune of calling all the time going there causing a scene and sometimes if I'm extremely lucky I get a blurry picture! But its a far cry from what I was promised. I called the agency not long ago demanding pictures she said an I quote "I cant believe you haven't given up yet" I told her I will never give up. She stated most birth mothers give up by this time and let it go. Oh really!? Tobi, so this is a common practice for you? Well I don't intend to ever give up I will search for my son, I will find my son and I will tell him EVERYTHING. He's my blood, my child and he deserves to know the truth.

"The Single Story"

Today, on one of my favorite bloggers page, I found this comment with regard to the single story fallacy that creates stereotypes.  In this video, the speaker tells of how a story, told many times, creates stereotypes and how power controls that. 

I believe that this video directly defines the purpose of this blog - to give more than one side, one story to those that want to learn.

The Single Story - Chimamanda Adichie

Listen, think and learn....it can open your eyes to what is truly real.

"What I Didn't Know 19 Years Ago" - By birthmomtalks

This is one of the most honest statements about what adoption does, is, to the natural mother of an adoptee.  It is a statement, simplistic and real.  Please read:

http://birthmomtalks.blogspot.com/2010/09/what-i-didnt-know-19-years-ago.html

Please, remember.

And other ideas and thoughts ....: Dear friend, so you're thinking of adopting. Want to talk about it?

This beautiful post is a letter from an adoptee to a friend that is thinking of adoption. Eloquent and real.

And other ideas and thoughts ....: Dear friend, so you're thinking of adopting. Want to talk about it?

Adoption Truth

This video gave me goosebumps. I hope every pregnant woman considering adopting out her baby really watches....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs&feature=player_embedded

Growing in My Heart: The House that Strawman Built

http://www.growninmyheart.com/the-house-that-strawman-built

Adoption & Truth - From Von

I retrieved this from another blog - an adoptee's blog - and I think it is really important to see the differences that exist.

The Declassified Adoptee: How Far Does $20,000 Go? You'd be Suprised.

The Declassified Adoptee: How Far Does $20,000 Go? You'd be Suprised.

Do you really believe that little lie is harmless?

If you do....then maybe you need to read this:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/story?id=4807497&page=1

Musing Mother: Adoption Newspeak

Musing Mother: Adoption Newspeak

Motherhood Deleted: Stockholm Adoptees

Motherhood Deleted: Stockholm Adoptees

Rickie Solinger Pt 1

Rickie Solinger Pt 1

For me, I surrendered..........

The Declassified Adoptee: Adoption Bonuses: The Money Behind the Madness

I lived this...I know it is true.

The Declassified Adoptee: Adoption Bonuses: The Money Behind the Madness

Evidence of crimes from the 'horse's mouth'.AVI

The Hidden Loss - a link

This is profound and wonderful!

http://open.salon.com/blog/culchiewoman/2010/08/10/the_hidden_loss

Adoptee Sues.....

This is a blog written by a very nice and intelligent lady.  This particular post is something that struck a chord.  Please, follow the link and read it carefully, you might be surprised at what you find....

http://osolomama.wordpress.com/2010/08/21/adoptee-files-class-action-suit-irish-babies-used-as-guinea-pigs-for-vaccine/

Motherhood Deleted: Those Saintly Adopters

Often there are thousands of babies that are taken every year. For the mothers that means thousands and thousands of wounded hearts and lives. The results are almost always fraught with problems of many kinds - maybe this is part of why:

Motherhood Deleted: Those Saintly Adopters

The Declassified Adoptee: The Mothers and the Sea

The Declassified Adoptee: The Mothers and the Sea

Adoption Agencies and What Language and Lures Used

I found this lovely blog and follow it for insight.  This particular entry was one I requested to attach here.  It has some valid and insightful information on the actual adoption language used by agencies to do two things.  The first, make adopters happy with their new family and not consider the family that loses and second, to help push a reluctant or hesitant mother into a relinquishment that she may not want to do.  Please, read it carefully.

http://oneoptionnochoice.blogspot.com/2010/08/language-and-lures.html

The Declassified Adoptee: God's Will, the Moral Excuse, and the Broken Hearted

The Declassified Adoptee: God's Will, the Moral Excuse, and the Broken Hearted

The Handmaid's Tale...

I wrote this on my personal blog, but the validity of the statements made, well, I think think it is something to consider....Please read the comments, there is a valuable link to information regarding the author in this.

http://nutcookie.blogspot.com/2010/08/handmaids-tale.html

Adoption and Foster Care - A Foster/Adopt Mother's Reality

The following is an entry that a woman that I respect wrote.  She addresses the issues and reality of adoption practices from foster care...and what she says may surprise you.  This is from KATE:

When I decided to adopt, I researched my options and chose to adopt through the state (i.e. foster care). It just seemed to work best for several reasons. One such reason was that being single, I thought raising older children was more appropriate for my situation. Having made that decision, I delved deeply into research about older child adoption. Even so, I was still woefully naïve and unprepared for the reality.


I thought that most, if not all, children in foster care were rightly there, that they weren’t safe with their parents. Since that time? I’ve seen kids taken for no good reason and others left in horrible situations simply because their parents had money. I’ve witnessed incompetence and outright unethical or illegal actions on the part of caseworkers. This includes the cases involving my children. I had a lot to learn.

Of the three cases I’ve been personally involved in, the most recent was the only one I was actively involved in trying to keep my then foster son, now adopted, from returning home. The situation was horrible and I felt strongly, and still do, that it wasn’t safe for him to return. I can’t say for sure that I saw outright corruption in this case but I certainly DID see several examples of incompetence. I’m not convinced in this case that he should ever have been allowed to go home from birth as both parents have extensive histories with other their children, including jail time for physical abuse, sexual abuse, and losing two other children because of fetal alcohol exposure. On two separate unsupervised visits, my foster son was spanked so hard that the bruises and red marks remained for me to see several hours later when I checked because he complained of pain. No one came to talk to him about it the first time, though I took pictures. I wasn’t told to take him to the ER for a professional assessment. He endured two years of visits and a lengthy court case that, if this evidence had been allowed to come to light, may have been ended in months.

My second son’s case was vastly different. He came to me with his parents rights already terminated. From what he and his older brother have told me, it was a bad situation and a necessary removal. I have no right to say for certain though, as I wasn’t involved in that part of his case. He was free for adoption when he came to live with me and I was told it was a pre-adoptive placement. With a few months, I was told he was going to be moved to a two parent adoptive home when one was found. I fought this and obviously won but my point is this. If they would use this as an excuse to remove a child from a foster home, supposedly on the “right” side, do not EVER doubt that this is not used as a means of taking other children from their families to place them for adoptions. It happens, as does the age old “poverty” excuse. I don’t have personal experience with this one but I’ve heard about too many cases to not believe it.

My first son’s case was different in several ways. I transported him to and from visits, which were unsupervised so I worked closely with his family. I’ve since come to know that in some places this is totally against policy, but even if it’s not it’s unethical to say the least. The main reason is that it puts the foster parents in a position to manipulate the family or the situation to their favor. His mom admits that she made mistakes and that the incident that caused the removal was serious. I THINK the initial removal may have been the right thing to do while certain issues were worked on but I have more serious doubts about the termination of the family’s rights and his adoption.

I don’t regret that he’s my son and I know that in some ways he has a better life with me. He has learning issues and I’m not sure he’d be where he is academically if he had gone home. But is that reason enough? I’ll never know for sure.

But now I want to talk about the most blatant unethical act in my personal experience in dealing with CPS. His mother had another baby who is now four years old. She was, not long ago, back in the system for this child although it never got to the point where she was removed. My third son’s foster case was still going on. This is what lead to the unethical (I’d LIKE to say illegal here but I’m not sure about that) behavior. My third son’s caseworker called me on business involved in his case but then proceeded to ask about my oldest son’s mother because it’s well known that we have a very open adoption. I just don’t believe that CPS should have the right to talk to whoever they want trying to get information to steal children. Yes, they have to investigate claims when made but I wasn’t in any way involved in that. His mother knows that it was a family member because the person admitted it to her. But even if they DID have the right to question people just because they know the person, why was it not the caseworker on the case that contacted me? Where’s the confidentiality in that? What unmitigated gall! And what an obvious ploy, in my mind, to get an adorable four year old blonde girl to place for adoption. So again…never doubt that these things happen!

This has been a hard journey. It’s painful to realize you’ve been a part of something so corrupt. Adoption, in any form, is business. And the bottom line is that the money involved has corrupted it beyond saving in its current form. Where we go from here I don’t know but something needs to be done.

I’d like to end with this. I have no right, since it’s easy for me to sit back and preach now that my family is complete, to say that no one should adopt. But I’m going to go this far and beg any of you prospective adoptive parents to consider well before you do it. Adoptions should be about the children. If it’s not truly in their best interests, it’s wrong. That doesn’t mean that selfish motives can’t be a part of the decision. I adopted because I wanted to be a mom, but I had the boys’ interests above that. Adoptive parenting is hard and if you aren’t in it for the right reasons, you WILL fail at it.

The other thing anyone considering adopting should take into account is ethics. If the adoption isn’t necessary, it’s unethical. There’s no way to justify the pain that the family and adoptee go through if the adoption is not completely necessary. I’m talking abuse or severe intentional neglect that cannot be changed. Money and material goods are not justification. As Lori says, not all adoptions are bad. I have found that most are.

Be GRATEFUL that you weren't thrown in a dumpster....

Sadly, that's a line that many adoptees have heard. BE GRATEFUL that you weren't thrown in a dumpster. I never knew where that came from. I guess I do now....

http://know-your-history.blogspot.com/2009_11_15_archive.html

This is REAL

The story connected to this post is true.  It was aired on PBS and other stations a few years ago and is, without a doubt, one of the biggest crimes committed by social workers - Please, note this, this particular case is not novel, except in the death of the child by the hand of a person that is "sworn" to take care of children and who does it by removing these same children from their parents.

Please, if you are considering adoption of any kind, remember this story.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/fostercare/marr/

The Terrible Secret

The Terrible Secret


I read those words frequently in adoption circles and I often wonder if people really think about them. At least as far as they apply to adoptees.

No, I am not an expert, not by a long chalk. I am simply curious, trying to learn and understand. But I know a lot about people and those words make me think...really think about how an adoptee might take them.

For myself, if I was told that I was a terrible secret I would be horrified. After all, I am a person. Real, tangible with feelings and emotions. If I was an adoptee it may go just a bit farther...it could go into the OMG she hated having me, or the "I am nothing but an inconvenience, that secret that no one could know so I wouldn't ruin her life."

Those are my thoughts....

But why do a lot of the mothers use that particular phrase? I have heard a number of explanations and the one thing that stuck out wasn't about not wanting their children, or being ashamed of a child. I think it has more to do with other things, which, except in a very peripheral way, has little to do with the adoptee. For the mothers of the BSE, it was about being told over and over that they would never have normal lives, sexual deviants, damned, and a thousand other things, essentially making them less than they were and even less than they could become. It was the secret of having a child that you could not claim and that you were not supposed to love.

That kind of secret, I think, is the kind that damages a person. The damage is not something that is about the child that is and was loved and wanted, but about the aftermath of a hate campaign and war waged on vulnerable women in a time when they most needed support.

I think, I believe I see, that this difference is often missed...sometimes we say things one way and the reader or listener hears something very different. In this, I think both sides miss the target. The adoptee feels unwanted and the mother is trying to express love without realizing that the terrible secret is not the child and the child feels that they are terrible.

I hope that is not always the case

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Adoptee/Birth Mother Reunion

This is a fabulous post about how reunions can and do fail and how to avoid it. For both mothers and adoptees

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Adoptee/Birth Mother Reunion

CNN Article - When Adult Children Fail, Parents Suffer To

I saw this article on CNN.com today --
http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/08/12/adult.children.struggle/index.html?hpt=T2

The title is "When Adult Children Fail, Parents Suffer Too". I don't think the title does the article justice. I would've titled it something more towards "When an Adult Child Struggles...."

The article discusses the emotional impact on a parent when their child struggles - with relationship issues, money issues, abuse or addiction. It has a big impact on the parent, even though the parent finished their raising job long ago.

It made me wonder about the emotional impact on mothers who placed their child for adoption. This stress may be encountered the entire time since surrender/placing. And worse, it's total unknown. Their child is most likely out there, alive, somewhere.

It also makes me wonder about an adoptive mother that I knew years ago. She had adopted a son and then went on to have two biological children. When I met her, years ago, her youngest child was in her last years of high school. But the story that stayed with me was that, while going thru a divorce before I had met her, her husband (adopted son's adad) had been teaching their then 12-year-old adopted son how to make things explode and yes, the adopted son was killed in an explosion that he and his adad had been working on. The adad survived with barely a scratch and the adopted son died. This was long ago and if it happened today, of course, the adad would be brought up on charges, but not so back then. This brings me around to the firstmother, whose son would've been in his late 30s by now. She has no way of ever knowing that her son died years ago at the hand of a negligent adoptive father. She may very well continue her anxiety about her son's whereabouts and imagine how his life went.

The other thought that this article brought up for me is what happens when a firstmother, who dreams and fantasizes that her child lost to adoption is having a wonderful life and the cold, brutal reality is all-the-sudden there that her child had not had a wonderful life. What if her child was placed in an abusive or negligent situation. What stress does it create to find out that your adult child is floundering in life and may never be able to be a productive citizen? What havoc does it create in a parent's mind when it's a realization that she maybe could've done a better job, even being single? How does a parent carry the torment that in doing what was perceived as the best thing for their child, put that child in a loveless, cruel upbringing?

I can't even begin to wrap my brain around the intensity of those emotions. All the sudden, at least knowing where your adult child is, even when they're struggling, is much more peaceful than not knowing what happened to them. I would think.....

Surrender?

I have often used the word loss, because that is what I feel.  But there is another word that fits what happened more "Surrender" this is an entry that was very clarifying.  It is precise in the details of what surrender is and isn't.  I was quite impressed as this is the work of a lovely woman and an adoptee...she shows insight that is rare in the world, precisely because she writes about mothers, not adoptees.

http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2010/08/why-i-say-surrender.html#comment-form

Your Tax Dollars At Work.....

This is an article that requires a lot of thought, the statements made are part of the public record.  It tells the truth about what adoption is really about....I think you will find it interesting....

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39669-national-council-adoption-mothers-money

and part two:

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39676-national-council-adoption-mothers-money

and part three:

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39677-national-council-adoption-mothers-money

The facts presented do not include the research done by psychologists that is not presented publically and are prolific in the damage done not only to children, but mothers.  This includes articles published in Psychology Today - you really should read it.

Families and the Need to Know - An article

I, and others, have written frequently about how adoption is something that leaves the children alone and frustrated.  Most longing to know why and who.  This story clarifies this longing to a crystal clear. 

http://www.democratandchronicle.com/article/20100811/NEWS01/8110374/Joyous-reunion-unites-long-separated-family&referrer=NEWSFRONTCAROUSEL

I think that more stories that are like this, well, and lives like these, would be something that is necessary to see.

The Declassified Adoptee: Oooh, So That's Where that Nasty Social Stigma Comes From!

This posting has some really wonderful facts that counter the facts - presumably - that are put forth in the adoption information for prospective adoptive parents.

A Definite Read

The Declassified Adoptee: Oooh, So That's Where that Nasty Social Stigma Comes From!

Who Am I?

This video is of about roots and knowing who you are and where you come from...it is beautiful.

Personality...an article link...and thoughts

I have asked many times why adoptees do certain things.  Things such as the behaviors that are difficult to even fathom, anger that seems to have no ending, etc.  This article talks about personality and how we are who we are going to be, personality wise, by the time we are in first grade.  That and the simple fact that it is genetic and it is heavily influenced by life events.

So, considering that adoptees have massive, life altering events and, depending on the security or insecurity of the adoptive parents, these events are ongoing, it makes sense that the normal development discussed is not applicable in ways to adoption - but, when applied logically, it does explain some of the dysfunctional behaviors exhibited by adoptees, to an extent.

Read on:

http://www.livescience.com/culture/children-personality-adults-100804.html

The Declassified Adoptee: Does Your Legislator's Website/Newsletter Offer to Help You Get Your Birth Certificate?

I find this young woman to be a valuable member of the adoption community and the larger community of people. Her views are carefully documented and not based in conjecture or myth. Please read this carefully:

The Declassified Adoptee: Does Your Legislator's Website/Newsletter Offer to Help You Get Your Birth Certificate?

Adoption Truth - A video link

This video says what I have been trying to say, only with much more elegance.  Please watch!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs

It is imperative that the truth be out there!

The Declassified Adoptee: A Raw and Honest Look at Open Adoption in the Documentary "My Flesh and Blood"

This blogger is well known for concise, well researched posts and information. I find this to be an informational place...

The Declassified Adoptee: A Raw and Honest Look at Open Adoption in the Documentary "My Flesh and Blood"

Reunion Can Be Beautiful

Today, as I wandered through the posts of mothers and adoptees on FB, I came across this link and it was surprising....

http://www.mirror.co.uk/advice/money/2010/06/23/it-took-me-70-years-to-find-my-real-mum-exclusive-115875-22355230/

Sometimes, love does conquer all!

What a Relinquishment Means...Video

This is to mothers...Hopefully some will see it before they do the deed....

Video about Open Adoption

I did this video about open adoption because I think that a lot of young women don't grasp the reality of what they are agreeing to.  I am hoping that I can reach even just one ...

...just one mother saved from loss greater than life....

The Declassified Adoptee: "Our Adoption Will be Different"

When considering adoption - the one thing that I hear a lot is that the PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) often buy their own hype about how they can do it better - this is from an adoptee...read on:

The Declassified Adoptee: "Our Adoption Will be Different"

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Justice for birthmothers is an oxymoron

When looking at adoption the worst thing is that adoption is about the adopters. The wanna bes and the ares. Not about the children.....and certainly not about the natural mothers...read on...

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Justice for birthmothers is an oxymoron

A MUST Read

This article is a tip of the iceberg.  For those of you out there that believe in the system, or in adoption, please, read and understand.  For those of you that know the realities of adoption, read on, and make sure you leave a comment!

http://www.thetakeaway.org/2010/aug/02/adoptee-access-original-birth-certificates/

A website -

This website is more than interesting...it is honest and real...check it out.

http://www.adoption-articles.com/psychology_adoption.htm

Interesting Web Page

This is an interesting page.  I did not research it thoroughly, but it's stated goals are very nice.

http://adoptionresourcecenter.org/

Actually, I went back and read it and it seems to be more of a clearinghouse of information pro and con.  I am not sure this sites values are what they state.  The blogs linked to it appear to be pro-adoption, specifically foreign adoption.  Which is definitely not the stated goals.

Could be interesting to watch it develop - any thoughts?  Any other links?

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Telling a Stranger What It's Like to be a Birth Mother

This particular post is very interesting. It touches on what a lot of people dismiss regarding adoption. And it talks about the statement by the U.N. regarding adoption. Please, read on:

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Telling a Stranger What It's Like to be a Birth Mother

The Declassified Adoptee: When I Will "Get Over It"

When discussing adoptee feelings and understandings, the best people to go to are adoptees. After all, the rest of us don't have a clue.

This was written by a person that I find to be someone who is intelligent, well spoken and definitely knows what is real from what is not.

The Declassified Adoptee: When I Will "Get Over It"

Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents and Possible Natural Mothers

Dear Prospective Adoptive Parent and Possible Natural Mother,


I thought I would share with you what happens to mothers that never planned on giving up their children. I thought I would tell you the truth….not the pretty stories without real details or words that made you stop and think. I want to tell you MY truth, what happened to me and a child I adored.

I planned my baby. I tried to get pregnant and did. Not because I was a stupid teen , but because I had cervical cancer and knew this was my last chance.

I ignored the social workers that tried to make me abort. I even failed to tell anyone (except the father) because I had friends that were forced into abortions. I knew, from month one that I was pregnant. I was thrilled; I had even started thinking of names.

The pregnancy was one that was filled with joy. No, Dad wasn’t that thrilled, until the day the baby was born. That changed everything.

In the end, my family, my father, allowed his wife and a social worker to force me into a situation that killed a big part of me. I signed the papers and rode home, 3.5 hours, in dead silence. The stepmother had taken me and my father went to get drunk.

We reached the house and I walked back to my sister’s room and locked the doors. I screamed myself raw. My anger and pain drowned me in tears and screaming. Finally, after the stepmother yelled enough and my father was so stressed he couldn’t take anymore. They opened the door – I couldn’t scream anymore, just lay there, exhausted and wanting so much to just die.

I thought of the cliffs near the house, especially the ones that were a thousand feet, the perfect place to end all of the pain. Instead my father kept me drunk for two weeks. Then I left with a man that didn’t care about me to go to a place that I hated. I spent time in the place my baby would grow up in…I didn’t have a clue. I stopped eating, feeling and became more and more numb, putting on a pretty face, a smile for the people I didn’t care an ounce for.

When I returned I joined the Army. I thought, now if there would just be a war! I could make sure I didn’t come home, it really isn’t that hard. Meanwhile I drank, a lot. I have no memory of a lot of that time. I slept with anyone and everyone. I wanted to get aids. Or just have one of them go psycho and kill me.

I have spent most of my adult life wavering between self-loathing and a horrible hate for those that stole what was my most precious gift to the world.

I met my husband and he saved my life. But it was never easy for him. He would find me in the closet in tears and unable to be touched or comforted. I would go crazy at the holidays to make up for the feeling of complete emptiness that ate me up.

It is still there. My father went to his grave knowing that I would never forgive him for what he let happen. I do, but not wholly, not ever.

So, if you still want to adopt or give up your child, remember this, because this is the aftermath.

Dead Mother

The Declassified Adoptee: Loss of Mother, Loss of Child, Loss of Hope

Many times the adoptee is the missing equation in education regarding the truth about adoption. Not, maybe the truth for every adoptee, but certainly, in my experience, the truth for the majority of them.

With this in mind, I invite you to read this and check out the links and video's attached to the blog.

The Declassified Adoptee: Loss of Mother, Loss of Child, Loss of Hope

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Beyond Reunions: The Symbolic Nature of the Original Birth Certificate

There are times when public response is slow and unpredictable. This is especially true in the case of adoptions. In this post there is a statement regarding confidential intermediaries being expensive (most are) and scaring the other party - the one that searched for my daughter not only scared her, but talked to her adoptive parents and made it worse. This is something that should be considered. Please read on:

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Beyond Reunions: The Symbolic Nature of the Original Birth Certificate

Just to Make this Clear.....

A number of people were offended by my post about abusing natural mothers, on my personal blog. While personally I have seen way to much of this, some claim it does not happen. This is an interesting outlook.


The people, for the most part, that were offended were adoptive parents, adoptees and very young natural mothers. So, here is my response.

For Adoptive Parents...a majority of adoptive parents don't realize that they lay a guilt trip on their children. Children who feel that they have to fit in or be grateful and who believe that genetic ties don't count often end up with huge issues about who they are. Consider. Genetics are important. They define who the person becomes and how they behave. This is a fact. Check any text on child and life development. It is not the end all and be all, to be sure, but the need to fit into a space that is not truly made for them, to feel that it is wrong to want to know and to feel they have to be grateful, this creates an angry person.

So, in essence, you are responsible for issues that the child has as a young adult and even older and especially when it comes to finding out their roots. If, in fact, the adoptive parent could realize, deeply and with profound understanding, that children have an infinite capacity to love, then the need to guilt them, denegrate biological families and to be make them fit in would not occur and the child would be well rounded and capable of being a person that they can be proud of and who will love and respect them forever.

For Adoptees...I have to admit, in this part it is personal. I spent a long time searching for my daughter. When I talked to her the first time it was bizarre, since I got a huge amount of the things that happened to her all at once. It was scary. The problem is that it has been almost a decade and nothing is moving forward. Every time there is a change it becomes a "leave me alone" "you have no right" "go away" "you ask too much" and on and on. This is abusive, along with the beautiful names and things said to me. This abuse is not limited to her. I often get rude and disgusting comments from adoptees, which I ignor but still hurt. After all, I have my own guilt trips and fears. I am a real person. I am human, with flaws and stupidities, just like the rest of the human race. At what point does it become imperative to abuse me? or other mothers? NOT a single place or time...

The truth is that a lot of mothers had absolutely no choice. Some of them had parents that signed away their rights without any knowledge by the mother. Some simply were beaten, emotionally and physically, into submission. Some, like me, spent several years fighting a system designed to make parents fail. But we don't deserve hate or ugliness. We have our own demons and when an adoptee attacks a person, even when they don't realize that they are doing it, well, the mothers all see it - it is public, especially on here. When you put out that you are going to be hateful, you will find fewer and fewer mothers willing to come forward, especially those that have been hiding from themselves for years. Who, after all, and yes I have said this before, wants to out themselves to be rediculed once again.

I know that people were horrified when I would actually say that my daughter was adopted by another couple. The looks spoke volumes about what a scum bucket they thought I was. Believe me, I have heard "how could you" and "I could never" so often that I want to smack people that say it. I have my own demons and don't need someone elses.

Natural Mothers...this is for the young mothers not in reunion. Your turn is coming. Adoption has not changed in 50 years. Those lovely agreements you made, for 8 out of 10 of you, will vanish the first time your teenager says that famous phrase "you are not my mother." And believe me when I say this, it will hurt like nothing you will ever experience before or since. Signing the papers is horrific, but the years of silence no matter when it occurs - that is something I wish on no one.

And, if you read this my daughter, Loving is not about liking everything you do. Loving is accepting that you don't have to like everything, and knowing that you still love a person and want to share their lives and yours with them. Even when you have your own thing going, it is still important to communicate. That is key to any relationship. For you I say this, I love you. I don't always like you, especially when you say and do things specifically designed to hurt me...I will always love you and if it means I love in silence, so be it.

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: What's in a Name? A Great Deal to an Adoptee

This is a very real statement to the issues of names and personal value.

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: What's in a Name? A Great Deal to an Adoptee

A Prayer for Truth

This is a beautiful peice by Celeste Billhartz - her work on the Mother's Project is the most moving tribute to reality that I have ever witnessed.

Motherhood Deleted: And More About Unconditional Love

This post says everything I have been trying to say about what is right with reunion and what is wrong. Sometimes you have to look elsewhere to get the right words.

Motherhood Deleted: And More About Unconditional Love

Thinking

Recently I have had good cause to rethink my opinion about reunion.  I have had to decide, or at least consider, what I want out of reunion, what is there and how they fit or do not fit together.

I have blogged and asked questions of adoptees and mothers and listened to friends, both adoptees and mothers, and weighed what I have learned.  It is a very heavy weight.

Here is the thing.  When thinking about my daughter, I have to confess, I am confused and upset most of the time.  I don't know what is wanted, expected, etc. and I don't think she knows either.  But I keep trying. 

The problem is the inequality of the situation.  If my child, or any adoptee for that matter, wants space, I/we are just supposed to cave and think nothing of long term silence and angry statements.  When a mother wants space, suddenly she doesn't care or is abandoning her child yet again.

Yes, I get that adoptees don't like to be told anything.  Fair enough - neither do mothers.  We are not children, we are and have been adults for many years longer than our children.  We don't like being told "leave me alone" without a real reason.  We don't like being called names or yelled at in public - and I am fairly certain adoptees don't like it either. 

So, right now, my daughter has decided that she wants me to go away.  Ok.  I can give space.  But this is not the first time and, provided I don't get too frustrated and shut the door for good, I am sure it won't be the last.  I can't do that.  I can't say "you are crowding me" or whatever.  I am not allowed.

I still have no idea what I am going to do, if anything.  But the issues remain.  Will it be another year of silence?   Will it be what? Is there ever going to be an end to this push me away and pull me back stuff?  And, most of all, can I take it?

I guess the issue is - how long are we going to play this game and why......

What is really going through the prospective adoptive parents mind.....

Recently it has come to my attention that a lot of the younger women really buy into the line that their children will be loved and they will be respected if they allow someone to adopt.

So, with this in mind, I started searching blogs. I want you mothers to see what is really out there and in the PAP (prospective adoptive parent(s)) minds.  With this in mind, this is one blog entry that struck me as sad.  The PAP is talking as if the Mother of her children is withholding something that belongs to him...remember, this as you read...this PAP is stating that they are ENTITLED to the babies of this woman....and that GOD has ordained it.

http://mtoddo.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/dead-ends-and-rabbit-trails/

I will find more - I think it is important that mothers understand the realities of signing away their rights.  I hope you read it and see that it is not a positive environment for children.

Great Information Link

The following link is one that I believe will be a great boon to those wanting to truly know what the consequences of their actions can, and most likely will, be.  I find this to be enlightening.

http://www.birthmothers.info/kelly/discussion.html

Please, if you are considering placing your child for adoption, read this and follow the links that are on this page first.  There is much more to the placement of a child than just adoption.

Open Adoption, Open Lies...

Ok, I have been reading a whole lot about open adoption...tons in fact and the one thing that I don't get is this bs about it being better.


Who is it better for? Let's consider it.

First, open adoption leaves a wound totally out there in the wind - not healing, never even scabbing over. The child is confused by the two mommy deal - but not unloved....hmmm....

Then there is the fact that no open adoption contract is legally binding - anywhere! When a mother and father sign those relinquishment papers - it is over...period.

I have read things like wouldn't the parents want an open adoption, then they would have control - excuse me? what control? You get nothing but a few pictures and usually a closed adoption the moment you question any parenting methods or behaviors that are upsetting. And, honestly, adoptive parents often use the "open adoption" lure to bring in the young mothers - only to slam it shut at the first opportunity.

Then there is the foolish belief that mothers only want an open adoption so that they don't present as a monster - huh? We are monsters, according to a lot of adoptees and almost all of society, in the first place...we gave up our child. There is nothing there that is redeeming. All those lies that adoption professionals tell us about how it is the "right thing to do" are just that - lies. We are vilified throughout our lives and by people that have no clue why they think we are bad people. So kiss that stupidity goodbye.

Oh, I like this one ....The mother just doesn't want the responsibility. While I know there are women out there like that, the truth is more that we aren't allowed to want the responsibility. For you adoptees...especially those that are under 25....ask your parents how much input they had, did they ever tell your first mother that it was the right thing to do, or if they ever heard that said in connection with a first mother...If they tell you "no" - they lied. Those are the words that are used from the moment anyone knows that you are pregnant...

"you won't be able to go to college" "no man will want you" and believe me, I heard that over and over and was not even allowed to date because it might make a liar out of the social workers. (The removed her father from the picture quit easily, promising him a job that would support his family). Oh then there is the "you know that it will never be an issue...someday you will meet your child and see that you did the right thing...."

Lies drip as easily from adoptive parents lips as they do from social workers and other adoption professionals.

The facts are simple:

Once the signature is on the paper, it is filed with the court and the statutory limitation has run - you have no rights, you will never be anything to the child at least not the way you should be, and most of all, the rest of society will look at you like you grew a third nose and fifth eye.

People wonder why some women never face it - can you imagine what it was like for those that were told these lies and whose vulnerability was so great that they believed them? I doubt it...

People - open adoption is a myth. It is a lie told by liars to obtain a product - your baby. Just like the social worker showing up at your door with some vague report about something...then taking your children - they don't have the right and you should tell them to bugger off...then call an attorney. Because these thieves never stop until they get what they want.

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Are Open Adoptions a Boon for Birth Mothers or a Scam?

This is a must read if you are considering open adoption for a child. This is real information from real people.

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Are Open Adoptions a Boon for Birth Mothers or a Scam?

Information That Should be Shared

I started this to educate and I believe it is important that all sides be seen.  However, this link leads to things that are not even in the public eye and rarely even considered.  It is about coercion of a different kind and the results of it.  Please note that while the information is put in straight out terms that can be inflamatory, it is real and honest.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/fast_track_adoption.html

Make sure to follow some of the links, they tell much different information than what an agency will tell a young mother.

"Neither Here Nor There...": For The Records II

This is a well written synopsis of a study and report done with regard to adoption and open OBC records. Well written and a great read:

"Neither Here Nor There...": For The Records II

The First Part of Adoption and Mothers

One of my last memories as I signed the papers was that I was doing something that was wrong in so many ways.  I felt overwhelmed.

Grief at loss to be experienced was huge.  Almost as if I couldn't breath.  It is a pervading sense of doom, eating all the good in the world.  As I watched my daughter color and play and the social worker was hammering on me about medical history, like I knew that, and gave me a line of blow about who was adopting my child, all I could think of was that I would never see my little one again.

I know that this is different with infants, supposedly.  I know it is different if the mother never holds their child.  Unlike the BSE (Baby Snatch Era), most of the women can and some do, hold their babies.

I thought about that a long time, all the way home - a three hour drive from the social worker's office.  That I would never see her again.  They told me that if I looked and found her, I would go to jail.  They told me that she would not remember me, maybe she doesn't.  They told me that they were giving her to a good home...it wasn't.

Sometimes, no matter what the mothers intentions are, they simply can't be sure where their child is going.  What the social workers and lawyers do not tell you is that until the adoption is final, the parents can back out.  If they do, the social worker or the lawyer will not call you and tell you that your child is sitting in foster care, or that if they don't find a home it is likely that the child will remain in foster care for their entire childhood.  This is because you relinquished.  You gave up the right to be notified of anything but death. 

When a mother signs those papers, she is not a part of anything again...she is as if she never existed.  It is sad, since most adoptions are a permanent cure to a temporary problem.

Adoption Truth - By Celeste B - Very Profound...

More Adopee Truth … well, My Adoptee Truth …:)


©2010 Celeste Billhartz



I had a good upbringing in a small Southern Illinois town, east of St. Louis, MO … among friendly, honest, hard-working families and many fine adoptive relatives. They were all good to me, loved me and I loved them.



Still, I longed for …. something … undefined, kind, normal:



Infant Eyes

©2004 & ©2010 Celeste Billhartz



Behold, my infant eyes

They turn away from lies

No gentle trace on this new face

I miss my mother's smile



A stranger holds me now

She knows not when or how

I cry and cry, she can't comply

I miss my mother's smile



Was there a test I failed?

And, thus, my life derailed?

Taken from her warm and loving arms

I miss my mother's smile



Behold, my infant eyes

They turn away from lies

No gentle trace on this new face

I miss my mother's smile



In fairness, I must say

She does her best each day

But this some other's not my mother!!!

Oh, ..... I miss her smile



The social engineers

Erased grandparents' fears

Lies were told, the baby sold

I miss my mother's smile

………………………...



My adoptive father was sweet. He died when I was 13 or so. He owned a tavern … a wonderful old saloon … God, I loved that place … it had a solid wooden bar with brass foot rails and brass spittoons … not to be retro … that's how it was!



I found my mother … she had been told I died. Who decided that? My grandmothers colluded with the hospital to tell my Catholic mother and my Protestant father a lie.



Is that still how things are done?? Do agencies/churches/families still lie to mothers and fathers who aren't married … do they still tell them their babies are dying … here, sign this paper so the baby can be baptized CATHOLIC before she/he dies???



Dear God, I hope not.



My mother's sister and family welcomed me. They live on Martha's Vineyard, MA … not rich people … they are the work-a-day folks. My aunt (her sister) was in the US Army and fell in love with a MV boy, whose family was "Portagee" - many Portuguese descendants live there. I remember meeting them, after my mother died. I think adopted persons really want to see and hear "our people" … we value even the little things that make us part of our first family:



1939

©2003 & ©2010 Celeste Billhartz



I must do more with my life ...

This precious gift from the loins of lovers

Who had less in common than apples and oranges


Their religions were different and their stations in life

And their options ... well ....

She had few options; it was 1939


I have that father's nose and that mother's eyes

And, from someone else ...

This clump of fat on the back of my neck!


It was wonderful to meet that family, sit at their table

Notice fingers and ears alike

My mother ... that mother, is gone


Aunt Emily smiled ...

"I don't look like her at all," I thought

I snapped one last picture, just as she turned away

I want to write and sing about that family ...

About this photo of Aunt Emily ...

And that clump of fat on the back of her neck

……………………………..

Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

This is a Must Watch - Part 1

Me? Who would listen to me? I mean, I'm an adoptee....

When Lori asked me if I would participate in this blog, my reaction was/is how in the world could I educate anyone??? Then she explained that she just wanted me to share my real adoptee experiences. I've never been very good at telling people what they want to hear. That is not a trait that I inherited nor something that I learned to do. But if Lori wants me to share my adoptee experience, I will tell you the truth. Whatever I post on this or any other blog are my experiences and/or things I've learned through my many friends who have been thumped by adoption.

One of the earliest emotions that an adoptee is likely to experience is conflict. Conflict between what they feel inside and what the outside adoption world tells you.

-- The first thing we may be told is that we were chosen. Yes, the immediate picture that pops into a lot of our heads is an anxious couple, looking from bin to bin to pick out the perfect baby for them. It’s a disturbing picture, but many adoptees can tell you, this is exactly what we pictured in our heads and this is our first impression of being adopted.

-- The second thing we may be told is that our firstmother loved us sooooo much that she gave us away. We may make a note to ourselves, when you love something a lot, you have to give it away. That’s a scary thought if you ever want to have a secure bond to anyone. If you love anything, you will have to give it away and, in turn, it will go out of your life -- forever. There is no temporary adoption, it’s all permanent. When people and things go away, it really hurts – hence, don’t love or bond because you’ll have to give it away anyway.

-- Somewhere down the line, we’re typically told that our feelings about adoption should NOT be. We not only should NOT feel badly, we should be grateful. We should thank our lucky stars that our adoptive parents came along when they did – or else we could’ve been in the dumpster with the other unwanted babies. If we feel loss, then there’s something wrong with us. We shouldn’t have negative feelings about being adopted out to stranger families.

-- Then, if we didn’t acclimate and act like the rest of the family, we’re at fault. We should have somehow repressed all of our inherited traits, likes, dislikes, beliefs and just BE like the family we were put into. If they’re sports fanatics, don’t you dare hate sports and want to play an instrument. If they are quiet, don’t you dare be loud and extroverted. Definitely don’t you dare giggle at their religious rituals, even if they seem to be completely foreign and not true to you.

Adoptees are frequently adopted with a JOB. Our job is to be molded into what the new pack thinks we ‘should’ be. Our job is to give our adoptive parents a family that they always wanted. Our job is to pretend that being given away was a good thing and that we were saved. Our job is to act “as if” we are just like everyone in our adoptive family – even when everyone else is nothing like us. It’s an adoptee’s job to acclimate and be appreciative to the chance at a ‘better’ life. It's a lot of work to be a good adoptee.

Welcome

This is a new blog dedicated to the First Mothers and Adoptees of the past.   We, as a group, are endeavoring to educate the individual to the realities of adoption.  Regardless of negative or positive.  We want the women and men of today to have a more realistic outlook and allow options that may present themselves without notice, to be noticed.

We will not preach about the evils or good in adoption.  Only the facts, as known to First Mothers and Adoptees.  We will endeavor to be as honest and realistic as possible.  Materials not written by the blog poster will have credits for the authors work.  Any material written by the blog posters will either be their experience or works of factual evidence that are backed up by research.

Please remember as you read our blog that we are the silent members of the Adoption Triad.  Our voices are not often heard and we have nothing to gain or lose in this process. 

Thank you....