Mother and Child

Mother and Child
Painting by Pablo Picasso

Monday, August 30, 2010

Adoption & Truth - From Von

I retrieved this from another blog - an adoptee's blog - and I think it is really important to see the differences that exist.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Adoptee Sues.....

This is a blog written by a very nice and intelligent lady.  This particular post is something that struck a chord.  Please, follow the link and read it carefully, you might be surprised at what you find....

Motherhood Deleted: Those Saintly Adopters

Often there are thousands of babies that are taken every year. For the mothers that means thousands and thousands of wounded hearts and lives. The results are almost always fraught with problems of many kinds - maybe this is part of why:

Motherhood Deleted: Those Saintly Adopters

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Adoption Agencies and What Language and Lures Used

I found this lovely blog and follow it for insight.  This particular entry was one I requested to attach here.  It has some valid and insightful information on the actual adoption language used by agencies to do two things.  The first, make adopters happy with their new family and not consider the family that loses and second, to help push a reluctant or hesitant mother into a relinquishment that she may not want to do.  Please, read it carefully.

The Declassified Adoptee: God's Will, the Moral Excuse, and the Broken Hearted

The Declassified Adoptee: God's Will, the Moral Excuse, and the Broken Hearted

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Handmaid's Tale...

I wrote this on my personal blog, but the validity of the statements made, well, I think think it is something to consider....Please read the comments, there is a valuable link to information regarding the author in this.

Adoption and Foster Care - A Foster/Adopt Mother's Reality

The following is an entry that a woman that I respect wrote.  She addresses the issues and reality of adoption practices from foster care...and what she says may surprise you.  This is from KATE:

When I decided to adopt, I researched my options and chose to adopt through the state (i.e. foster care). It just seemed to work best for several reasons. One such reason was that being single, I thought raising older children was more appropriate for my situation. Having made that decision, I delved deeply into research about older child adoption. Even so, I was still woefully naïve and unprepared for the reality.

I thought that most, if not all, children in foster care were rightly there, that they weren’t safe with their parents. Since that time? I’ve seen kids taken for no good reason and others left in horrible situations simply because their parents had money. I’ve witnessed incompetence and outright unethical or illegal actions on the part of caseworkers. This includes the cases involving my children. I had a lot to learn.

Of the three cases I’ve been personally involved in, the most recent was the only one I was actively involved in trying to keep my then foster son, now adopted, from returning home. The situation was horrible and I felt strongly, and still do, that it wasn’t safe for him to return. I can’t say for sure that I saw outright corruption in this case but I certainly DID see several examples of incompetence. I’m not convinced in this case that he should ever have been allowed to go home from birth as both parents have extensive histories with other their children, including jail time for physical abuse, sexual abuse, and losing two other children because of fetal alcohol exposure. On two separate unsupervised visits, my foster son was spanked so hard that the bruises and red marks remained for me to see several hours later when I checked because he complained of pain. No one came to talk to him about it the first time, though I took pictures. I wasn’t told to take him to the ER for a professional assessment. He endured two years of visits and a lengthy court case that, if this evidence had been allowed to come to light, may have been ended in months.

My second son’s case was vastly different. He came to me with his parents rights already terminated. From what he and his older brother have told me, it was a bad situation and a necessary removal. I have no right to say for certain though, as I wasn’t involved in that part of his case. He was free for adoption when he came to live with me and I was told it was a pre-adoptive placement. With a few months, I was told he was going to be moved to a two parent adoptive home when one was found. I fought this and obviously won but my point is this. If they would use this as an excuse to remove a child from a foster home, supposedly on the “right” side, do not EVER doubt that this is not used as a means of taking other children from their families to place them for adoptions. It happens, as does the age old “poverty” excuse. I don’t have personal experience with this one but I’ve heard about too many cases to not believe it.

My first son’s case was different in several ways. I transported him to and from visits, which were unsupervised so I worked closely with his family. I’ve since come to know that in some places this is totally against policy, but even if it’s not it’s unethical to say the least. The main reason is that it puts the foster parents in a position to manipulate the family or the situation to their favor. His mom admits that she made mistakes and that the incident that caused the removal was serious. I THINK the initial removal may have been the right thing to do while certain issues were worked on but I have more serious doubts about the termination of the family’s rights and his adoption.

I don’t regret that he’s my son and I know that in some ways he has a better life with me. He has learning issues and I’m not sure he’d be where he is academically if he had gone home. But is that reason enough? I’ll never know for sure.

But now I want to talk about the most blatant unethical act in my personal experience in dealing with CPS. His mother had another baby who is now four years old. She was, not long ago, back in the system for this child although it never got to the point where she was removed. My third son’s foster case was still going on. This is what lead to the unethical (I’d LIKE to say illegal here but I’m not sure about that) behavior. My third son’s caseworker called me on business involved in his case but then proceeded to ask about my oldest son’s mother because it’s well known that we have a very open adoption. I just don’t believe that CPS should have the right to talk to whoever they want trying to get information to steal children. Yes, they have to investigate claims when made but I wasn’t in any way involved in that. His mother knows that it was a family member because the person admitted it to her. But even if they DID have the right to question people just because they know the person, why was it not the caseworker on the case that contacted me? Where’s the confidentiality in that? What unmitigated gall! And what an obvious ploy, in my mind, to get an adorable four year old blonde girl to place for adoption. So again…never doubt that these things happen!

This has been a hard journey. It’s painful to realize you’ve been a part of something so corrupt. Adoption, in any form, is business. And the bottom line is that the money involved has corrupted it beyond saving in its current form. Where we go from here I don’t know but something needs to be done.

I’d like to end with this. I have no right, since it’s easy for me to sit back and preach now that my family is complete, to say that no one should adopt. But I’m going to go this far and beg any of you prospective adoptive parents to consider well before you do it. Adoptions should be about the children. If it’s not truly in their best interests, it’s wrong. That doesn’t mean that selfish motives can’t be a part of the decision. I adopted because I wanted to be a mom, but I had the boys’ interests above that. Adoptive parenting is hard and if you aren’t in it for the right reasons, you WILL fail at it.

The other thing anyone considering adopting should take into account is ethics. If the adoption isn’t necessary, it’s unethical. There’s no way to justify the pain that the family and adoptee go through if the adoption is not completely necessary. I’m talking abuse or severe intentional neglect that cannot be changed. Money and material goods are not justification. As Lori says, not all adoptions are bad. I have found that most are.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Be GRATEFUL that you weren't thrown in a dumpster....

Sadly, that's a line that many adoptees have heard. BE GRATEFUL that you weren't thrown in a dumpster. I never knew where that came from. I guess I do now....

This is REAL

The story connected to this post is true.  It was aired on PBS and other stations a few years ago and is, without a doubt, one of the biggest crimes committed by social workers - Please, note this, this particular case is not novel, except in the death of the child by the hand of a person that is "sworn" to take care of children and who does it by removing these same children from their parents.

Please, if you are considering adoption of any kind, remember this story.

The Terrible Secret

The Terrible Secret

I read those words frequently in adoption circles and I often wonder if people really think about them. At least as far as they apply to adoptees.

No, I am not an expert, not by a long chalk. I am simply curious, trying to learn and understand. But I know a lot about people and those words make me think...really think about how an adoptee might take them.

For myself, if I was told that I was a terrible secret I would be horrified. After all, I am a person. Real, tangible with feelings and emotions. If I was an adoptee it may go just a bit could go into the OMG she hated having me, or the "I am nothing but an inconvenience, that secret that no one could know so I wouldn't ruin her life."

Those are my thoughts....

But why do a lot of the mothers use that particular phrase? I have heard a number of explanations and the one thing that stuck out wasn't about not wanting their children, or being ashamed of a child. I think it has more to do with other things, which, except in a very peripheral way, has little to do with the adoptee. For the mothers of the BSE, it was about being told over and over that they would never have normal lives, sexual deviants, damned, and a thousand other things, essentially making them less than they were and even less than they could become. It was the secret of having a child that you could not claim and that you were not supposed to love.

That kind of secret, I think, is the kind that damages a person. The damage is not something that is about the child that is and was loved and wanted, but about the aftermath of a hate campaign and war waged on vulnerable women in a time when they most needed support.

I think, I believe I see, that this difference is often missed...sometimes we say things one way and the reader or listener hears something very different. In this, I think both sides miss the target. The adoptee feels unwanted and the mother is trying to express love without realizing that the terrible secret is not the child and the child feels that they are terrible.

I hope that is not always the case

Friday, August 13, 2010

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Adoptee/Birth Mother Reunion

This is a fabulous post about how reunions can and do fail and how to avoid it. For both mothers and adoptees

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Adoptee/Birth Mother Reunion

CNN Article - When Adult Children Fail, Parents Suffer To

I saw this article on today --

The title is "When Adult Children Fail, Parents Suffer Too". I don't think the title does the article justice. I would've titled it something more towards "When an Adult Child Struggles...."

The article discusses the emotional impact on a parent when their child struggles - with relationship issues, money issues, abuse or addiction. It has a big impact on the parent, even though the parent finished their raising job long ago.

It made me wonder about the emotional impact on mothers who placed their child for adoption. This stress may be encountered the entire time since surrender/placing. And worse, it's total unknown. Their child is most likely out there, alive, somewhere.

It also makes me wonder about an adoptive mother that I knew years ago. She had adopted a son and then went on to have two biological children. When I met her, years ago, her youngest child was in her last years of high school. But the story that stayed with me was that, while going thru a divorce before I had met her, her husband (adopted son's adad) had been teaching their then 12-year-old adopted son how to make things explode and yes, the adopted son was killed in an explosion that he and his adad had been working on. The adad survived with barely a scratch and the adopted son died. This was long ago and if it happened today, of course, the adad would be brought up on charges, but not so back then. This brings me around to the firstmother, whose son would've been in his late 30s by now. She has no way of ever knowing that her son died years ago at the hand of a negligent adoptive father. She may very well continue her anxiety about her son's whereabouts and imagine how his life went.

The other thought that this article brought up for me is what happens when a firstmother, who dreams and fantasizes that her child lost to adoption is having a wonderful life and the cold, brutal reality is all-the-sudden there that her child had not had a wonderful life. What if her child was placed in an abusive or negligent situation. What stress does it create to find out that your adult child is floundering in life and may never be able to be a productive citizen? What havoc does it create in a parent's mind when it's a realization that she maybe could've done a better job, even being single? How does a parent carry the torment that in doing what was perceived as the best thing for their child, put that child in a loveless, cruel upbringing?

I can't even begin to wrap my brain around the intensity of those emotions. All the sudden, at least knowing where your adult child is, even when they're struggling, is much more peaceful than not knowing what happened to them. I would think.....

Thursday, August 12, 2010


I have often used the word loss, because that is what I feel.  But there is another word that fits what happened more "Surrender" this is an entry that was very clarifying.  It is precise in the details of what surrender is and isn't.  I was quite impressed as this is the work of a lovely woman and an adoptee...she shows insight that is rare in the world, precisely because she writes about mothers, not adoptees.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Your Tax Dollars At Work.....

This is an article that requires a lot of thought, the statements made are part of the public record.  It tells the truth about what adoption is really about....I think you will find it interesting....

and part two:

and part three:

The facts presented do not include the research done by psychologists that is not presented publically and are prolific in the damage done not only to children, but mothers.  This includes articles published in Psychology Today - you really should read it.

Families and the Need to Know - An article

I, and others, have written frequently about how adoption is something that leaves the children alone and frustrated.  Most longing to know why and who.  This story clarifies this longing to a crystal clear.

I think that more stories that are like this, well, and lives like these, would be something that is necessary to see.

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Declassified Adoptee: Oooh, So That's Where that Nasty Social Stigma Comes From!

This posting has some really wonderful facts that counter the facts - presumably - that are put forth in the adoption information for prospective adoptive parents.

A Definite Read

The Declassified Adoptee: Oooh, So That's Where that Nasty Social Stigma Comes From!

Who Am I?

This video is of about roots and knowing who you are and where you come is beautiful.

Sunday, August 8, 2010 article link...and thoughts

I have asked many times why adoptees do certain things.  Things such as the behaviors that are difficult to even fathom, anger that seems to have no ending, etc.  This article talks about personality and how we are who we are going to be, personality wise, by the time we are in first grade.  That and the simple fact that it is genetic and it is heavily influenced by life events.

So, considering that adoptees have massive, life altering events and, depending on the security or insecurity of the adoptive parents, these events are ongoing, it makes sense that the normal development discussed is not applicable in ways to adoption - but, when applied logically, it does explain some of the dysfunctional behaviors exhibited by adoptees, to an extent.

Read on:

Saturday, August 7, 2010

The Declassified Adoptee: Does Your Legislator's Website/Newsletter Offer to Help You Get Your Birth Certificate?

I find this young woman to be a valuable member of the adoption community and the larger community of people. Her views are carefully documented and not based in conjecture or myth. Please read this carefully:

The Declassified Adoptee: Does Your Legislator's Website/Newsletter Offer to Help You Get Your Birth Certificate?

Adoption Truth - A video link

This video says what I have been trying to say, only with much more elegance.  Please watch!

It is imperative that the truth be out there!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Reunion Can Be Beautiful

Today, as I wandered through the posts of mothers and adoptees on FB, I came across this link and it was surprising....

Sometimes, love does conquer all!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

What a Relinquishment Means...Video

This is to mothers...Hopefully some will see it before they do the deed....

Monday, August 2, 2010

Video about Open Adoption

I did this video about open adoption because I think that a lot of young women don't grasp the reality of what they are agreeing to.  I am hoping that I can reach even just one ...

...just one mother saved from loss greater than life....

The Declassified Adoptee: "Our Adoption Will be Different"

When considering adoption - the one thing that I hear a lot is that the PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) often buy their own hype about how they can do it better - this is from an on:

The Declassified Adoptee: "Our Adoption Will be Different"

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Justice for birthmothers is an oxymoron

When looking at adoption the worst thing is that adoption is about the adopters. The wanna bes and the ares. Not about the children.....and certainly not about the natural on...

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Justice for birthmothers is an oxymoron


This article is a tip of the iceberg.  For those of you out there that believe in the system, or in adoption, please, read and understand.  For those of you that know the realities of adoption, read on, and make sure you leave a comment!

Sunday, August 1, 2010