Mother and Child

Mother and Child
Painting by Pablo Picasso

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Interesting Web Page

This is an interesting page.  I did not research it thoroughly, but it's stated goals are very nice.

Actually, I went back and read it and it seems to be more of a clearinghouse of information pro and con.  I am not sure this sites values are what they state.  The blogs linked to it appear to be pro-adoption, specifically foreign adoption.  Which is definitely not the stated goals.

Could be interesting to watch it develop - any thoughts?  Any other links?

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Telling a Stranger What It's Like to be a Birth Mother

This particular post is very interesting. It touches on what a lot of people dismiss regarding adoption. And it talks about the statement by the U.N. regarding adoption. Please, read on:

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Telling a Stranger What It's Like to be a Birth Mother

The Declassified Adoptee: When I Will "Get Over It"

When discussing adoptee feelings and understandings, the best people to go to are adoptees. After all, the rest of us don't have a clue.

This was written by a person that I find to be someone who is intelligent, well spoken and definitely knows what is real from what is not.

The Declassified Adoptee: When I Will "Get Over It"

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents and Possible Natural Mothers

Dear Prospective Adoptive Parent and Possible Natural Mother,

I thought I would share with you what happens to mothers that never planned on giving up their children. I thought I would tell you the truth….not the pretty stories without real details or words that made you stop and think. I want to tell you MY truth, what happened to me and a child I adored.

I planned my baby. I tried to get pregnant and did. Not because I was a stupid teen , but because I had cervical cancer and knew this was my last chance.

I ignored the social workers that tried to make me abort. I even failed to tell anyone (except the father) because I had friends that were forced into abortions. I knew, from month one that I was pregnant. I was thrilled; I had even started thinking of names.

The pregnancy was one that was filled with joy. No, Dad wasn’t that thrilled, until the day the baby was born. That changed everything.

In the end, my family, my father, allowed his wife and a social worker to force me into a situation that killed a big part of me. I signed the papers and rode home, 3.5 hours, in dead silence. The stepmother had taken me and my father went to get drunk.

We reached the house and I walked back to my sister’s room and locked the doors. I screamed myself raw. My anger and pain drowned me in tears and screaming. Finally, after the stepmother yelled enough and my father was so stressed he couldn’t take anymore. They opened the door – I couldn’t scream anymore, just lay there, exhausted and wanting so much to just die.

I thought of the cliffs near the house, especially the ones that were a thousand feet, the perfect place to end all of the pain. Instead my father kept me drunk for two weeks. Then I left with a man that didn’t care about me to go to a place that I hated. I spent time in the place my baby would grow up in…I didn’t have a clue. I stopped eating, feeling and became more and more numb, putting on a pretty face, a smile for the people I didn’t care an ounce for.

When I returned I joined the Army. I thought, now if there would just be a war! I could make sure I didn’t come home, it really isn’t that hard. Meanwhile I drank, a lot. I have no memory of a lot of that time. I slept with anyone and everyone. I wanted to get aids. Or just have one of them go psycho and kill me.

I have spent most of my adult life wavering between self-loathing and a horrible hate for those that stole what was my most precious gift to the world.

I met my husband and he saved my life. But it was never easy for him. He would find me in the closet in tears and unable to be touched or comforted. I would go crazy at the holidays to make up for the feeling of complete emptiness that ate me up.

It is still there. My father went to his grave knowing that I would never forgive him for what he let happen. I do, but not wholly, not ever.

So, if you still want to adopt or give up your child, remember this, because this is the aftermath.

Dead Mother

The Declassified Adoptee: Loss of Mother, Loss of Child, Loss of Hope

Many times the adoptee is the missing equation in education regarding the truth about adoption. Not, maybe the truth for every adoptee, but certainly, in my experience, the truth for the majority of them.

With this in mind, I invite you to read this and check out the links and video's attached to the blog.

The Declassified Adoptee: Loss of Mother, Loss of Child, Loss of Hope

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Beyond Reunions: The Symbolic Nature of the Original Birth Certificate

There are times when public response is slow and unpredictable. This is especially true in the case of adoptions. In this post there is a statement regarding confidential intermediaries being expensive (most are) and scaring the other party - the one that searched for my daughter not only scared her, but talked to her adoptive parents and made it worse. This is something that should be considered. Please read on:

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: Beyond Reunions: The Symbolic Nature of the Original Birth Certificate

Monday, July 26, 2010

Just to Make this Clear.....

A number of people were offended by my post about abusing natural mothers, on my personal blog. While personally I have seen way to much of this, some claim it does not happen. This is an interesting outlook.

The people, for the most part, that were offended were adoptive parents, adoptees and very young natural mothers. So, here is my response.

For Adoptive Parents...a majority of adoptive parents don't realize that they lay a guilt trip on their children. Children who feel that they have to fit in or be grateful and who believe that genetic ties don't count often end up with huge issues about who they are. Consider. Genetics are important. They define who the person becomes and how they behave. This is a fact. Check any text on child and life development. It is not the end all and be all, to be sure, but the need to fit into a space that is not truly made for them, to feel that it is wrong to want to know and to feel they have to be grateful, this creates an angry person.

So, in essence, you are responsible for issues that the child has as a young adult and even older and especially when it comes to finding out their roots. If, in fact, the adoptive parent could realize, deeply and with profound understanding, that children have an infinite capacity to love, then the need to guilt them, denegrate biological families and to be make them fit in would not occur and the child would be well rounded and capable of being a person that they can be proud of and who will love and respect them forever.

For Adoptees...I have to admit, in this part it is personal. I spent a long time searching for my daughter. When I talked to her the first time it was bizarre, since I got a huge amount of the things that happened to her all at once. It was scary. The problem is that it has been almost a decade and nothing is moving forward. Every time there is a change it becomes a "leave me alone" "you have no right" "go away" "you ask too much" and on and on. This is abusive, along with the beautiful names and things said to me. This abuse is not limited to her. I often get rude and disgusting comments from adoptees, which I ignor but still hurt. After all, I have my own guilt trips and fears. I am a real person. I am human, with flaws and stupidities, just like the rest of the human race. At what point does it become imperative to abuse me? or other mothers? NOT a single place or time...

The truth is that a lot of mothers had absolutely no choice. Some of them had parents that signed away their rights without any knowledge by the mother. Some simply were beaten, emotionally and physically, into submission. Some, like me, spent several years fighting a system designed to make parents fail. But we don't deserve hate or ugliness. We have our own demons and when an adoptee attacks a person, even when they don't realize that they are doing it, well, the mothers all see it - it is public, especially on here. When you put out that you are going to be hateful, you will find fewer and fewer mothers willing to come forward, especially those that have been hiding from themselves for years. Who, after all, and yes I have said this before, wants to out themselves to be rediculed once again.

I know that people were horrified when I would actually say that my daughter was adopted by another couple. The looks spoke volumes about what a scum bucket they thought I was. Believe me, I have heard "how could you" and "I could never" so often that I want to smack people that say it. I have my own demons and don't need someone elses.

Natural Mothers...this is for the young mothers not in reunion. Your turn is coming. Adoption has not changed in 50 years. Those lovely agreements you made, for 8 out of 10 of you, will vanish the first time your teenager says that famous phrase "you are not my mother." And believe me when I say this, it will hurt like nothing you will ever experience before or since. Signing the papers is horrific, but the years of silence no matter when it occurs - that is something I wish on no one.

And, if you read this my daughter, Loving is not about liking everything you do. Loving is accepting that you don't have to like everything, and knowing that you still love a person and want to share their lives and yours with them. Even when you have your own thing going, it is still important to communicate. That is key to any relationship. For you I say this, I love you. I don't always like you, especially when you say and do things specifically designed to hurt me...I will always love you and if it means I love in silence, so be it.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: What's in a Name? A Great Deal to an Adoptee

This is a very real statement to the issues of names and personal value.

Birth Mother, First Mother Forum: What's in a Name? A Great Deal to an Adoptee

A Prayer for Truth

This is a beautiful peice by Celeste Billhartz - her work on the Mother's Project is the most moving tribute to reality that I have ever witnessed.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Motherhood Deleted: And More About Unconditional Love

This post says everything I have been trying to say about what is right with reunion and what is wrong. Sometimes you have to look elsewhere to get the right words.

Motherhood Deleted: And More About Unconditional Love


Recently I have had good cause to rethink my opinion about reunion.  I have had to decide, or at least consider, what I want out of reunion, what is there and how they fit or do not fit together.

I have blogged and asked questions of adoptees and mothers and listened to friends, both adoptees and mothers, and weighed what I have learned.  It is a very heavy weight.

Here is the thing.  When thinking about my daughter, I have to confess, I am confused and upset most of the time.  I don't know what is wanted, expected, etc. and I don't think she knows either.  But I keep trying. 

The problem is the inequality of the situation.  If my child, or any adoptee for that matter, wants space, I/we are just supposed to cave and think nothing of long term silence and angry statements.  When a mother wants space, suddenly she doesn't care or is abandoning her child yet again.

Yes, I get that adoptees don't like to be told anything.  Fair enough - neither do mothers.  We are not children, we are and have been adults for many years longer than our children.  We don't like being told "leave me alone" without a real reason.  We don't like being called names or yelled at in public - and I am fairly certain adoptees don't like it either. 

So, right now, my daughter has decided that she wants me to go away.  Ok.  I can give space.  But this is not the first time and, provided I don't get too frustrated and shut the door for good, I am sure it won't be the last.  I can't do that.  I can't say "you are crowding me" or whatever.  I am not allowed.

I still have no idea what I am going to do, if anything.  But the issues remain.  Will it be another year of silence?   Will it be what? Is there ever going to be an end to this push me away and pull me back stuff?  And, most of all, can I take it?

I guess the issue is - how long are we going to play this game and why......

Friday, July 23, 2010

What is really going through the prospective adoptive parents mind.....

Recently it has come to my attention that a lot of the younger women really buy into the line that their children will be loved and they will be respected if they allow someone to adopt.

So, with this in mind, I started searching blogs. I want you mothers to see what is really out there and in the PAP (prospective adoptive parent(s)) minds.  With this in mind, this is one blog entry that struck me as sad.  The PAP is talking as if the Mother of her children is withholding something that belongs to him...remember, this as you read...this PAP is stating that they are ENTITLED to the babies of this woman....and that GOD has ordained it.

I will find more - I think it is important that mothers understand the realities of signing away their rights.  I hope you read it and see that it is not a positive environment for children.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Great Information Link

The following link is one that I believe will be a great boon to those wanting to truly know what the consequences of their actions can, and most likely will, be.  I find this to be enlightening.

Please, if you are considering placing your child for adoption, read this and follow the links that are on this page first.  There is much more to the placement of a child than just adoption.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Open Adoption, Open Lies...

Ok, I have been reading a whole lot about open adoption...tons in fact and the one thing that I don't get is this bs about it being better.

Who is it better for? Let's consider it.

First, open adoption leaves a wound totally out there in the wind - not healing, never even scabbing over. The child is confused by the two mommy deal - but not unloved....hmmm....

Then there is the fact that no open adoption contract is legally binding - anywhere! When a mother and father sign those relinquishment papers - it is over...period.

I have read things like wouldn't the parents want an open adoption, then they would have control - excuse me? what control? You get nothing but a few pictures and usually a closed adoption the moment you question any parenting methods or behaviors that are upsetting. And, honestly, adoptive parents often use the "open adoption" lure to bring in the young mothers - only to slam it shut at the first opportunity.

Then there is the foolish belief that mothers only want an open adoption so that they don't present as a monster - huh? We are monsters, according to a lot of adoptees and almost all of society, in the first place...we gave up our child. There is nothing there that is redeeming. All those lies that adoption professionals tell us about how it is the "right thing to do" are just that - lies. We are vilified throughout our lives and by people that have no clue why they think we are bad people. So kiss that stupidity goodbye.

Oh, I like this one ....The mother just doesn't want the responsibility. While I know there are women out there like that, the truth is more that we aren't allowed to want the responsibility. For you adoptees...especially those that are under 25....ask your parents how much input they had, did they ever tell your first mother that it was the right thing to do, or if they ever heard that said in connection with a first mother...If they tell you "no" - they lied. Those are the words that are used from the moment anyone knows that you are pregnant...

"you won't be able to go to college" "no man will want you" and believe me, I heard that over and over and was not even allowed to date because it might make a liar out of the social workers. (The removed her father from the picture quit easily, promising him a job that would support his family). Oh then there is the "you know that it will never be an issue...someday you will meet your child and see that you did the right thing...."

Lies drip as easily from adoptive parents lips as they do from social workers and other adoption professionals.

The facts are simple:

Once the signature is on the paper, it is filed with the court and the statutory limitation has run - you have no rights, you will never be anything to the child at least not the way you should be, and most of all, the rest of society will look at you like you grew a third nose and fifth eye.

People wonder why some women never face it - can you imagine what it was like for those that were told these lies and whose vulnerability was so great that they believed them? I doubt it...

People - open adoption is a myth. It is a lie told by liars to obtain a product - your baby. Just like the social worker showing up at your door with some vague report about something...then taking your children - they don't have the right and you should tell them to bugger off...then call an attorney. Because these thieves never stop until they get what they want.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Information That Should be Shared

I started this to educate and I believe it is important that all sides be seen.  However, this link leads to things that are not even in the public eye and rarely even considered.  It is about coercion of a different kind and the results of it.  Please note that while the information is put in straight out terms that can be inflamatory, it is real and honest.

Make sure to follow some of the links, they tell much different information than what an agency will tell a young mother.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

"Neither Here Nor There...": For The Records II

This is a well written synopsis of a study and report done with regard to adoption and open OBC records. Well written and a great read:

"Neither Here Nor There...": For The Records II

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The First Part of Adoption and Mothers

One of my last memories as I signed the papers was that I was doing something that was wrong in so many ways.  I felt overwhelmed.

Grief at loss to be experienced was huge.  Almost as if I couldn't breath.  It is a pervading sense of doom, eating all the good in the world.  As I watched my daughter color and play and the social worker was hammering on me about medical history, like I knew that, and gave me a line of blow about who was adopting my child, all I could think of was that I would never see my little one again.

I know that this is different with infants, supposedly.  I know it is different if the mother never holds their child.  Unlike the BSE (Baby Snatch Era), most of the women can and some do, hold their babies.

I thought about that a long time, all the way home - a three hour drive from the social worker's office.  That I would never see her again.  They told me that if I looked and found her, I would go to jail.  They told me that she would not remember me, maybe she doesn't.  They told me that they were giving her to a good wasn't.

Sometimes, no matter what the mothers intentions are, they simply can't be sure where their child is going.  What the social workers and lawyers do not tell you is that until the adoption is final, the parents can back out.  If they do, the social worker or the lawyer will not call you and tell you that your child is sitting in foster care, or that if they don't find a home it is likely that the child will remain in foster care for their entire childhood.  This is because you relinquished.  You gave up the right to be notified of anything but death. 

When a mother signs those papers, she is not a part of anything again...she is as if she never existed.  It is sad, since most adoptions are a permanent cure to a temporary problem.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Adoption Truth - By Celeste B - Very Profound...

More Adopee Truth … well, My Adoptee Truth …:)

©2010 Celeste Billhartz

I had a good upbringing in a small Southern Illinois town, east of St. Louis, MO … among friendly, honest, hard-working families and many fine adoptive relatives. They were all good to me, loved me and I loved them.

Still, I longed for …. something … undefined, kind, normal:

Infant Eyes

©2004 & ©2010 Celeste Billhartz

Behold, my infant eyes

They turn away from lies

No gentle trace on this new face

I miss my mother's smile

A stranger holds me now

She knows not when or how

I cry and cry, she can't comply

I miss my mother's smile

Was there a test I failed?

And, thus, my life derailed?

Taken from her warm and loving arms

I miss my mother's smile

Behold, my infant eyes

They turn away from lies

No gentle trace on this new face

I miss my mother's smile

In fairness, I must say

She does her best each day

But this some other's not my mother!!!

Oh, ..... I miss her smile

The social engineers

Erased grandparents' fears

Lies were told, the baby sold

I miss my mother's smile


My adoptive father was sweet. He died when I was 13 or so. He owned a tavern … a wonderful old saloon … God, I loved that place … it had a solid wooden bar with brass foot rails and brass spittoons … not to be retro … that's how it was!

I found my mother … she had been told I died. Who decided that? My grandmothers colluded with the hospital to tell my Catholic mother and my Protestant father a lie.

Is that still how things are done?? Do agencies/churches/families still lie to mothers and fathers who aren't married … do they still tell them their babies are dying … here, sign this paper so the baby can be baptized CATHOLIC before she/he dies???

Dear God, I hope not.

My mother's sister and family welcomed me. They live on Martha's Vineyard, MA … not rich people … they are the work-a-day folks. My aunt (her sister) was in the US Army and fell in love with a MV boy, whose family was "Portagee" - many Portuguese descendants live there. I remember meeting them, after my mother died. I think adopted persons really want to see and hear "our people" … we value even the little things that make us part of our first family:


©2003 & ©2010 Celeste Billhartz

I must do more with my life ...

This precious gift from the loins of lovers

Who had less in common than apples and oranges

Their religions were different and their stations in life

And their options ... well ....

She had few options; it was 1939

I have that father's nose and that mother's eyes

And, from someone else ...

This clump of fat on the back of my neck!

It was wonderful to meet that family, sit at their table

Notice fingers and ears alike

My mother ... that mother, is gone

Aunt Emily smiled ...

"I don't look like her at all," I thought

I snapped one last picture, just as she turned away

I want to write and sing about that family ...

About this photo of Aunt Emily ...

And that clump of fat on the back of her neck


Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

This is a Must Watch - Part 1

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Me? Who would listen to me? I mean, I'm an adoptee....

When Lori asked me if I would participate in this blog, my reaction was/is how in the world could I educate anyone??? Then she explained that she just wanted me to share my real adoptee experiences. I've never been very good at telling people what they want to hear. That is not a trait that I inherited nor something that I learned to do. But if Lori wants me to share my adoptee experience, I will tell you the truth. Whatever I post on this or any other blog are my experiences and/or things I've learned through my many friends who have been thumped by adoption.

One of the earliest emotions that an adoptee is likely to experience is conflict. Conflict between what they feel inside and what the outside adoption world tells you.

-- The first thing we may be told is that we were chosen. Yes, the immediate picture that pops into a lot of our heads is an anxious couple, looking from bin to bin to pick out the perfect baby for them. It’s a disturbing picture, but many adoptees can tell you, this is exactly what we pictured in our heads and this is our first impression of being adopted.

-- The second thing we may be told is that our firstmother loved us sooooo much that she gave us away. We may make a note to ourselves, when you love something a lot, you have to give it away. That’s a scary thought if you ever want to have a secure bond to anyone. If you love anything, you will have to give it away and, in turn, it will go out of your life -- forever. There is no temporary adoption, it’s all permanent. When people and things go away, it really hurts – hence, don’t love or bond because you’ll have to give it away anyway.

-- Somewhere down the line, we’re typically told that our feelings about adoption should NOT be. We not only should NOT feel badly, we should be grateful. We should thank our lucky stars that our adoptive parents came along when they did – or else we could’ve been in the dumpster with the other unwanted babies. If we feel loss, then there’s something wrong with us. We shouldn’t have negative feelings about being adopted out to stranger families.

-- Then, if we didn’t acclimate and act like the rest of the family, we’re at fault. We should have somehow repressed all of our inherited traits, likes, dislikes, beliefs and just BE like the family we were put into. If they’re sports fanatics, don’t you dare hate sports and want to play an instrument. If they are quiet, don’t you dare be loud and extroverted. Definitely don’t you dare giggle at their religious rituals, even if they seem to be completely foreign and not true to you.

Adoptees are frequently adopted with a JOB. Our job is to be molded into what the new pack thinks we ‘should’ be. Our job is to give our adoptive parents a family that they always wanted. Our job is to pretend that being given away was a good thing and that we were saved. Our job is to act “as if” we are just like everyone in our adoptive family – even when everyone else is nothing like us. It’s an adoptee’s job to acclimate and be appreciative to the chance at a ‘better’ life. It's a lot of work to be a good adoptee.


This is a new blog dedicated to the First Mothers and Adoptees of the past.   We, as a group, are endeavoring to educate the individual to the realities of adoption.  Regardless of negative or positive.  We want the women and men of today to have a more realistic outlook and allow options that may present themselves without notice, to be noticed.

We will not preach about the evils or good in adoption.  Only the facts, as known to First Mothers and Adoptees.  We will endeavor to be as honest and realistic as possible.  Materials not written by the blog poster will have credits for the authors work.  Any material written by the blog posters will either be their experience or works of factual evidence that are backed up by research.

Please remember as you read our blog that we are the silent members of the Adoption Triad.  Our voices are not often heard and we have nothing to gain or lose in this process. 

Thank you....