Me? Who would listen to me? I mean, I'm an adoptee....

When Lori asked me if I would participate in this blog, my reaction was/is how in the world could I educate anyone??? Then she explained that she just wanted me to share my real adoptee experiences. I've never been very good at telling people what they want to hear. That is not a trait that I inherited nor something that I learned to do. But if Lori wants me to share my adoptee experience, I will tell you the truth. Whatever I post on this or any other blog are my experiences and/or things I've learned through my many friends who have been thumped by adoption.

One of the earliest emotions that an adoptee is likely to experience is conflict. Conflict between what they feel inside and what the outside adoption world tells you.

-- The first thing we may be told is that we were chosen. Yes, the immediate picture that pops into a lot of our heads is an anxious couple, looking from bin to bin to pick out the perfect baby for them. It’s a disturbing picture, but many adoptees can tell you, this is exactly what we pictured in our heads and this is our first impression of being adopted.

-- The second thing we may be told is that our firstmother loved us sooooo much that she gave us away. We may make a note to ourselves, when you love something a lot, you have to give it away. That’s a scary thought if you ever want to have a secure bond to anyone. If you love anything, you will have to give it away and, in turn, it will go out of your life -- forever. There is no temporary adoption, it’s all permanent. When people and things go away, it really hurts – hence, don’t love or bond because you’ll have to give it away anyway.

-- Somewhere down the line, we’re typically told that our feelings about adoption should NOT be. We not only should NOT feel badly, we should be grateful. We should thank our lucky stars that our adoptive parents came along when they did – or else we could’ve been in the dumpster with the other unwanted babies. If we feel loss, then there’s something wrong with us. We shouldn’t have negative feelings about being adopted out to stranger families.

-- Then, if we didn’t acclimate and act like the rest of the family, we’re at fault. We should have somehow repressed all of our inherited traits, likes, dislikes, beliefs and just BE like the family we were put into. If they’re sports fanatics, don’t you dare hate sports and want to play an instrument. If they are quiet, don’t you dare be loud and extroverted. Definitely don’t you dare giggle at their religious rituals, even if they seem to be completely foreign and not true to you.

Adoptees are frequently adopted with a JOB. Our job is to be molded into what the new pack thinks we ‘should’ be. Our job is to give our adoptive parents a family that they always wanted. Our job is to pretend that being given away was a good thing and that we were saved. Our job is to act “as if” we are just like everyone in our adoptive family – even when everyone else is nothing like us. It’s an adoptee’s job to acclimate and be appreciative to the chance at a ‘better’ life. It's a lot of work to be a good adoptee.