Mother and Child

Mother and Child
Painting by Pablo Picasso

Monday, July 26, 2010

Just to Make this Clear.....

A number of people were offended by my post about abusing natural mothers, on my personal blog. While personally I have seen way to much of this, some claim it does not happen. This is an interesting outlook.

The people, for the most part, that were offended were adoptive parents, adoptees and very young natural mothers. So, here is my response.

For Adoptive Parents...a majority of adoptive parents don't realize that they lay a guilt trip on their children. Children who feel that they have to fit in or be grateful and who believe that genetic ties don't count often end up with huge issues about who they are. Consider. Genetics are important. They define who the person becomes and how they behave. This is a fact. Check any text on child and life development. It is not the end all and be all, to be sure, but the need to fit into a space that is not truly made for them, to feel that it is wrong to want to know and to feel they have to be grateful, this creates an angry person.

So, in essence, you are responsible for issues that the child has as a young adult and even older and especially when it comes to finding out their roots. If, in fact, the adoptive parent could realize, deeply and with profound understanding, that children have an infinite capacity to love, then the need to guilt them, denegrate biological families and to be make them fit in would not occur and the child would be well rounded and capable of being a person that they can be proud of and who will love and respect them forever.

For Adoptees...I have to admit, in this part it is personal. I spent a long time searching for my daughter. When I talked to her the first time it was bizarre, since I got a huge amount of the things that happened to her all at once. It was scary. The problem is that it has been almost a decade and nothing is moving forward. Every time there is a change it becomes a "leave me alone" "you have no right" "go away" "you ask too much" and on and on. This is abusive, along with the beautiful names and things said to me. This abuse is not limited to her. I often get rude and disgusting comments from adoptees, which I ignor but still hurt. After all, I have my own guilt trips and fears. I am a real person. I am human, with flaws and stupidities, just like the rest of the human race. At what point does it become imperative to abuse me? or other mothers? NOT a single place or time...

The truth is that a lot of mothers had absolutely no choice. Some of them had parents that signed away their rights without any knowledge by the mother. Some simply were beaten, emotionally and physically, into submission. Some, like me, spent several years fighting a system designed to make parents fail. But we don't deserve hate or ugliness. We have our own demons and when an adoptee attacks a person, even when they don't realize that they are doing it, well, the mothers all see it - it is public, especially on here. When you put out that you are going to be hateful, you will find fewer and fewer mothers willing to come forward, especially those that have been hiding from themselves for years. Who, after all, and yes I have said this before, wants to out themselves to be rediculed once again.

I know that people were horrified when I would actually say that my daughter was adopted by another couple. The looks spoke volumes about what a scum bucket they thought I was. Believe me, I have heard "how could you" and "I could never" so often that I want to smack people that say it. I have my own demons and don't need someone elses.

Natural Mothers...this is for the young mothers not in reunion. Your turn is coming. Adoption has not changed in 50 years. Those lovely agreements you made, for 8 out of 10 of you, will vanish the first time your teenager says that famous phrase "you are not my mother." And believe me when I say this, it will hurt like nothing you will ever experience before or since. Signing the papers is horrific, but the years of silence no matter when it occurs - that is something I wish on no one.

And, if you read this my daughter, Loving is not about liking everything you do. Loving is accepting that you don't have to like everything, and knowing that you still love a person and want to share their lives and yours with them. Even when you have your own thing going, it is still important to communicate. That is key to any relationship. For you I say this, I love you. I don't always like you, especially when you say and do things specifically designed to hurt me...I will always love you and if it means I love in silence, so be it.

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