Thinking

Recently I have had good cause to rethink my opinion about reunion.  I have had to decide, or at least consider, what I want out of reunion, what is there and how they fit or do not fit together.

I have blogged and asked questions of adoptees and mothers and listened to friends, both adoptees and mothers, and weighed what I have learned.  It is a very heavy weight.

Here is the thing.  When thinking about my daughter, I have to confess, I am confused and upset most of the time.  I don't know what is wanted, expected, etc. and I don't think she knows either.  But I keep trying. 

The problem is the inequality of the situation.  If my child, or any adoptee for that matter, wants space, I/we are just supposed to cave and think nothing of long term silence and angry statements.  When a mother wants space, suddenly she doesn't care or is abandoning her child yet again.

Yes, I get that adoptees don't like to be told anything.  Fair enough - neither do mothers.  We are not children, we are and have been adults for many years longer than our children.  We don't like being told "leave me alone" without a real reason.  We don't like being called names or yelled at in public - and I am fairly certain adoptees don't like it either. 

So, right now, my daughter has decided that she wants me to go away.  Ok.  I can give space.  But this is not the first time and, provided I don't get too frustrated and shut the door for good, I am sure it won't be the last.  I can't do that.  I can't say "you are crowding me" or whatever.  I am not allowed.

I still have no idea what I am going to do, if anything.  But the issues remain.  Will it be another year of silence?   Will it be what? Is there ever going to be an end to this push me away and pull me back stuff?  And, most of all, can I take it?

I guess the issue is - how long are we going to play this game and why......