Mother and Child

Mother and Child
Painting by Pablo Picasso

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Letter to Prospective Adopter(s) Cathrynbrent From An Adoptee

This letter is from an adoptee to the people that are in the last blog post - She copied me on the letter and said that I could post it - so here it is!

I posted a comment on your blog asking you legit questions and it was removed. I am 32 years old and was adopted at 3. The state took me away from my mother because she was in foster care. The questions that I asked you were not intended to be mean in any way, but the way that it was removed made me feel as if you don't know the answers or you don't want people to think twice about your reasons for adopting a child. My questions are: Why adoption? Have you tried the other resources out there to conceive your own child? Foster homes are filled with children that are unwanted and or misunderstood, why not one of them? Why post a blog like an ad for adoption when it just looks like (in my opinion) you just need to get a puppy? There are so many young women out there that got pregnant that either the father left, or they feel they can't provide for the baby that would take money in a heart beat to regret it later. Another question I have is you say that you have a parenting "style" can you have a parenting style when you are not parents. Taking care of someone elses child for a short time is different than taking care of one full time. After all children do not come with instruction manuals. Now before you tell me that I have no idea, I do; I have 2 children of my own. It pains me to see your comments about loving "OUR" child when in fact the baby is not YOURS. Someone else gave birth to this baby, nursed this child with her own breasts, and changed this baby's diaper for the first time. The mother carried this child for 9 months and should not be treated like a loaner uterus. How are you going to prepare yourself for the dreaded talk to the child about adoption? You can't prepare for that and you can't prepare for the reaction that the child with give you. I was furious. I'm not saying that you will be bad "parents" but a child can retaliate to the news of being adopted and no matter how much to tell this child that you love him/her or that their biological mother was doing what was best, the child will always feel that he/she was not wanted by the one person that should love them no matter what. Children are not puppies and should not be treated as such. IF you want to adopt why not go to the foster homes and adopt one from there? IF you want to adopt a child why not adopt a preteen or even a teen. Fact is that a child over the age of 3-4 are not wanted and left in the system till they become of age. IF you say you have so much love to give and want to culture a child, why not become foster parents yourselves? That way you can give a young adult or even an older child that knows what is going on the sight and feeling of being loved? That way when the child/ teen is of age he/she can move on into adulthood with the knowledge that a couple took them in when no one else would and showed them how to be good adults? You can't just wake up one morning a decide that you want to take a baby from someone and call it your own. Sorry life doesn't work that way.


  1. new to your blog (found you surfing) and am an a-mom. our sons were in the foster system, they were 2 and 3, and now we're trying to grow our family again, most likely from the foster system again.
    i see where you're coming from, but how do i, as the woman who kisses boo boos, cleans messes, feeds, clothes, calms tantrums, helps with homework, all that stuff, how i tell them i'm not their mom? they know they have a biological mom (i don't know a whole heck of a lot about her, just vital stats and that the social workers discouraged an open relationship with her) and had a foster mom (whom we're still in contact with), but if i'm not mom, then how do i explain it all to them? how can i look at two precious boys, that i care for every day and night, and say they aren't my own? are they my flesh and blood? no, they aren't, but what makes them mine? i pray i never have to tell them that their biological mother didn't feed them, didn't change their diapers, just went and did her thing and that their foster mother didn't want them (which is why they were placed with another family, us, the fosters were given first chioce) because my littlest one screamed too much. he still, four years later, screams more than most almost 6 year olds, but goodness, gracious, the kid wasn't FED! and i'm his THRID mom, doesn't that make it a bit rougher? by the way, i turn 40 in a few months, and we did try for bios, but, quite honestly, i wouldn't try again because no kids are as awesome as our sons.
    if we end up with a baby from an expectant mother instead of the foster system, it's not through coercion on our part. in fact, we've been "offered" five babies, and 4 ended up parenting, one had an abortion. the only one i regret is the aborted baby.
    my kids are half hispanic, my husband and i are both white. would it be better for me to use someone to get their culture, or to do what we know, give them what we can and support them when they are older?
    i DO understand where you're coming from, but i don't think it's that cut and dried. it's not always finances.

  2. First, you never tell a child something from a social services file. The files, no matter what you want to believe, are not always true (Read the book "Diary of a Baby Thief" - if you can't find it, let me know and I will gladly give you the info for the author). Second, you are their mom, you you aren't their only mom - ever. What you have to understand is that no matter how much you love them, you are going to have to accept everything about them, including the mother that gave them life to start with. Third, if you accept a baby, it is coercion, maybe not by you, but by someone... and if you choose not to see that, I can't help your conscience. If your experience with the 5 babies is nothing else, it is that every baby that comes to term is loved and wanted. I am not right to life, but I always feel bad about abortions.... but knowing what I know now, I understand the choice to abort. I don't like it, but I get it.

    The truth is simple, you don't know their mother. You don't know if they were abused or abandoned. You truly don't know - and that is what you tell them. What you do know is that you love them....

    It is simple... and very complex.


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