Adoption from overseas is one of the hottest tickets in the adopt a baby arsenal. Most people who are waiting to adopt from out of country state that they believe the children to be in need of "saving" from horrible orphanages and a thousand other "horrible" fates. But the truth is far from being told. Today in the Caixin Weekly, a Chinese newpaper, this article was run: Family Planning Turns to Plunder
And this example is not the only one. There are numerous reports on baby stealing, adoptions of trafficked children that can't, for whatever reason, be returned home (see the reports of African and Indian children adopted by Americans that are known to have been stolen and now can't be returned to their families, supposedly to prevent them from living in poverty or because they don't know their native language or cultures).
Americans, and I am sure other countries, often make decisions to suit themselves. Never allowing for the facts of the acquisition of children to interfere with their desire to "grow their forever family," often at the expense of the children's home culture and real life families. This occurs in almost all nations considered "third-world" and particularly in non-western nations. Sadly, it is not because there is no information out there to tell the would-be adopter that they might be adopting a child from a parent that wants them, it is because the American and other "first-world' nationals choose not to look closely at anything that might not be what they want to hear.
It is time to require that there be no chance, regardless of nationality, that a child have a parent or family member that can care for them. Adoption should be restricted to those that really need homes... Not to homes that really want children.
Mother and Child
Painting by Pablo Picasso
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Adoption Reality - By Celeste Billhartz
To introduce Celeste, one must acknowledge her connection to adoption. Celeste is an adoptee. She works hard at telling the truth from the adoptee side with a focus on mothers.
Adoption Reality
©2007 and ©2011 Celeste Billhartz
A few months ago I got a photograph from a mother who visited with her daughter, in a hospital room. In the photo she is showing her the beautiful little christening gown she had saved, all these 40-some years, to show her daughter that she never wanted to "give her up" for adoption. The daughter blinked, "Yes" in acknowledgment ... her body frozen by ALS/Lou Gehrig's disease. My friend's other daughter took the photo and another daughter stood, nearby. They had come to say, Goodbye.
Not in the photo, but standing "guard" in the room, was the adoptive mother, who would not allow them a precious few moments of privacy.
Four months later, my friend's daughter died. At the funeral service none of the adoptive family, and none of their eulogies, acknowledged this natural family, sitting there, grieving ... and not one person offered condolences on their loss.
The lies in adoption are many. We all tell them, every day. It's all we know, all we have been told to say, all that is allowed. We pretend our sisters, brothers, cousins are, really, ours; they are not. We pretend we have traits inherent in our adoptive families; they are not our traits.
And, all our lives, we protect our adoptive families from the truth: We have our own natural families, our own sisters, brothers, cousins ... our own trails of traits, somewhere, reaching back to the ancients in our souls.
And, our natural mothers ... we wonder where are they, who they are, why did they "give" us away?? Not having answers, not "awake" to the reality of adoption coercion, many of us pretend. We believe they didn't want us or wanted something else more -- school, a job, etc.
And, so, we make new lives among the strangers -- not of our skin, not of our hearts. We doze; we pretend. All our adoptive lives, we pretend. And, because we believe we are lucky to have been adopted/wanted, we protect ourselves with happy faces and words of gratitude.
Eventually, we are old enough to be more curious than content, so we ask about our origins. The good strangers -- and there are many -- tell us what they know, show us the original papers with the original names we must see, offer any help we may need to find our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles. How odd; we are strangers to our kin and we love our strangers.
Still, we must reunite. First, for our mothers, and then for ourselves. We both are owed nothing less.
Unfortunately, some adoptive mothers refuse to help adoptees reunite with their natural families and refuse to be gracious, helpful and respectful to natural mothers.
The adoption world has convinced adoptive mothers -- and most civilians -- that Amoms are the saviours of millions of babies/toddlers whose own mothers/families couldn't or wouldn't care for them as well as Amoms can and that natural mothers don't deserve to care for them as much as Amoms do.
Rubbish.
Lawyers, doctors and adoption workers (many of them unmarried women who never had babies) have always taken advantage of young mothers instead of helping them. In closed adoptions of yesterday and open adoptions of today, all the players take advantage of scared young mothers. They count on their agreeing to "do what's best for the baby" well before the young women give birth, well before they know the powerful, undeniable, life-changing love they will feel for these little beings who slipped from their wombs and are, forever theirs, no matter what pre-birth agreements were signed.
These mothers -- millions of them -- are now "awake" ... and they know they were used by the indu$try to supply millions of infertile women (and today, single women) with babies.
Most of society doesn't know how devastating adopting is to young mothers. Most don't want to know, because they can't imagine being forced/schmoozed to surrender their own babies. They cannot imagine anyone daring to do that! They want to believe adopting is always -- and only -- in the best interests of the babies.
Truth is, adopting is a bu$iness.
When women stop paying big bucks to buy infants and toddlers, and when pregnant women are supported in keeping their babies, the bu$iness in adopting will dwindle, and babies will stay with their own families ... where they belong.
OK, you're an adoptive mother who is "waking up" -- now what?
• Help your adopted son or daughter know about his/her natural family. It isn't only a mother lost, but a whole tribe, a whole lineage, sides of two families, personality traits, physical traits, habits, health, quirks and talents. No more secrets. No more lies.
• If mother and child are planning to spend time together, don't stand in their way. Step aside. This is not about you.
• Let your conscience be your guide. You know right from wrong. Most of all, you know injustice when you see it.
In The Mothers Project, I tell the stories of the girl/mothers who lost their babies to adoption in past generations. The coercion continues. Adopting is woman's inhumanity to woman.
Adoption Reality
©2007 and ©2011 Celeste Billhartz
A few months ago I got a photograph from a mother who visited with her daughter, in a hospital room. In the photo she is showing her the beautiful little christening gown she had saved, all these 40-some years, to show her daughter that she never wanted to "give her up" for adoption. The daughter blinked, "Yes" in acknowledgment ... her body frozen by ALS/Lou Gehrig's disease. My friend's other daughter took the photo and another daughter stood, nearby. They had come to say, Goodbye.
Not in the photo, but standing "guard" in the room, was the adoptive mother, who would not allow them a precious few moments of privacy.
Four months later, my friend's daughter died. At the funeral service none of the adoptive family, and none of their eulogies, acknowledged this natural family, sitting there, grieving ... and not one person offered condolences on their loss.
The lies in adoption are many. We all tell them, every day. It's all we know, all we have been told to say, all that is allowed. We pretend our sisters, brothers, cousins are, really, ours; they are not. We pretend we have traits inherent in our adoptive families; they are not our traits.
And, all our lives, we protect our adoptive families from the truth: We have our own natural families, our own sisters, brothers, cousins ... our own trails of traits, somewhere, reaching back to the ancients in our souls.
And, our natural mothers ... we wonder where are they, who they are, why did they "give" us away?? Not having answers, not "awake" to the reality of adoption coercion, many of us pretend. We believe they didn't want us or wanted something else more -- school, a job, etc.
And, so, we make new lives among the strangers -- not of our skin, not of our hearts. We doze; we pretend. All our adoptive lives, we pretend. And, because we believe we are lucky to have been adopted/wanted, we protect ourselves with happy faces and words of gratitude.
Eventually, we are old enough to be more curious than content, so we ask about our origins. The good strangers -- and there are many -- tell us what they know, show us the original papers with the original names we must see, offer any help we may need to find our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles. How odd; we are strangers to our kin and we love our strangers.
Still, we must reunite. First, for our mothers, and then for ourselves. We both are owed nothing less.
Unfortunately, some adoptive mothers refuse to help adoptees reunite with their natural families and refuse to be gracious, helpful and respectful to natural mothers.
The adoption world has convinced adoptive mothers -- and most civilians -- that Amoms are the saviours of millions of babies/toddlers whose own mothers/families couldn't or wouldn't care for them as well as Amoms can and that natural mothers don't deserve to care for them as much as Amoms do.
Rubbish.
Lawyers, doctors and adoption workers (many of them unmarried women who never had babies) have always taken advantage of young mothers instead of helping them. In closed adoptions of yesterday and open adoptions of today, all the players take advantage of scared young mothers. They count on their agreeing to "do what's best for the baby" well before the young women give birth, well before they know the powerful, undeniable, life-changing love they will feel for these little beings who slipped from their wombs and are, forever theirs, no matter what pre-birth agreements were signed.
These mothers -- millions of them -- are now "awake" ... and they know they were used by the indu$try to supply millions of infertile women (and today, single women) with babies.
Most of society doesn't know how devastating adopting is to young mothers. Most don't want to know, because they can't imagine being forced/schmoozed to surrender their own babies. They cannot imagine anyone daring to do that! They want to believe adopting is always -- and only -- in the best interests of the babies.
Truth is, adopting is a bu$iness.
When women stop paying big bucks to buy infants and toddlers, and when pregnant women are supported in keeping their babies, the bu$iness in adopting will dwindle, and babies will stay with their own families ... where they belong.
OK, you're an adoptive mother who is "waking up" -- now what?
• Help your adopted son or daughter know about his/her natural family. It isn't only a mother lost, but a whole tribe, a whole lineage, sides of two families, personality traits, physical traits, habits, health, quirks and talents. No more secrets. No more lies.
• If mother and child are planning to spend time together, don't stand in their way. Step aside. This is not about you.
• Let your conscience be your guide. You know right from wrong. Most of all, you know injustice when you see it.
In The Mothers Project, I tell the stories of the girl/mothers who lost their babies to adoption in past generations. The coercion continues. Adopting is woman's inhumanity to woman.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Ireland Needs A Wake Up -
I keep track of a number of blogs. Their authors interest me, the subject matter is real and open.... Today I read this ENTRY on the blog of an adult adoptee whose origins lay in Ireland. Her entreaty is heartfelt and wonderful. Please enjoy it - and remind Ireland to WAKE UP!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Oregon's Latest Battle - The Bill - HB29-4.
The The Declassified Adoptee discussed the House Bill (HB) 2904. In this discussion are some pro's and con's to the adoption/relinquishment issues that seem to overcome a lot of the mothers and their families.... It is important to realize that while the time tables are different state to state, the problems remain the same. Please take the time to read this and discuss the issues it raises and questions it answers
Monday, December 27, 2010
Mothers and Adoptees are not the Only Ones Fighting!
I found this on FB, a wonderful testament to intelligence and honesty!
Adoptive Mother Believes in Open Records
Adoptive Mother Believes in Open Records
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
PBS Program....Article - Adoption From the Adoptees Point of View
Baby Rescue or Baby Factory is a wonderful article that talks about the adoption from a different perspective - the adoptees.....it is a definite must read!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Letter to Prospective Adopter(s) Cathrynbrent From An Adoptee
This letter is from an adoptee to the people that are in the last blog post - She copied me on the letter and said that I could post it - so here it is!
Hello,
I posted a comment on your blog asking you legit questions and it was removed. I am 32 years old and was adopted at 3. The state took me away from my mother because she was in foster care. The questions that I asked you were not intended to be mean in any way, but the way that it was removed made me feel as if you don't know the answers or you don't want people to think twice about your reasons for adopting a child. My questions are: Why adoption? Have you tried the other resources out there to conceive your own child? Foster homes are filled with children that are unwanted and or misunderstood, why not one of them? Why post a blog like an ad for adoption when it just looks like (in my opinion) you just need to get a puppy? There are so many young women out there that got pregnant that either the father left, or they feel they can't provide for the baby that would take money in a heart beat to regret it later. Another question I have is you say that you have a parenting "style"...how can you have a parenting style when you are not parents. Taking care of someone elses child for a short time is different than taking care of one full time. After all children do not come with instruction manuals. Now before you tell me that I have no idea, I do; I have 2 children of my own. It pains me to see your comments about loving "OUR" child when in fact the baby is not YOURS. Someone else gave birth to this baby, nursed this child with her own breasts, and changed this baby's diaper for the first time. The mother carried this child for 9 months and should not be treated like a loaner uterus. How are you going to prepare yourself for the dreaded talk to the child about adoption? You can't prepare for that and you can't prepare for the reaction that the child with give you. I was furious. I'm not saying that you will be bad "parents" but a child can retaliate to the news of being adopted and no matter how much to tell this child that you love him/her or that their biological mother was doing what was best, the child will always feel that he/she was not wanted by the one person that should love them no matter what. Children are not puppies and should not be treated as such. IF you want to adopt why not go to the foster homes and adopt one from there? IF you want to adopt a child why not adopt a preteen or even a teen. Fact is that a child over the age of 3-4 are not wanted and left in the system till they become of age. IF you say you have so much love to give and want to culture a child, why not become foster parents yourselves? That way you can give a young adult or even an older child that knows what is going on the sight and feeling of being loved? That way when the child/ teen is of age he/she can move on into adulthood with the knowledge that a couple took them in when no one else would and showed them how to be good adults? You can't just wake up one morning a decide that you want to take a baby from someone and call it your own. Sorry life doesn't work that way.
Hello,
I posted a comment on your blog asking you legit questions and it was removed. I am 32 years old and was adopted at 3. The state took me away from my mother because she was in foster care. The questions that I asked you were not intended to be mean in any way, but the way that it was removed made me feel as if you don't know the answers or you don't want people to think twice about your reasons for adopting a child. My questions are: Why adoption? Have you tried the other resources out there to conceive your own child? Foster homes are filled with children that are unwanted and or misunderstood, why not one of them? Why post a blog like an ad for adoption when it just looks like (in my opinion) you just need to get a puppy? There are so many young women out there that got pregnant that either the father left, or they feel they can't provide for the baby that would take money in a heart beat to regret it later. Another question I have is you say that you have a parenting "style"...how can you have a parenting style when you are not parents. Taking care of someone elses child for a short time is different than taking care of one full time. After all children do not come with instruction manuals. Now before you tell me that I have no idea, I do; I have 2 children of my own. It pains me to see your comments about loving "OUR" child when in fact the baby is not YOURS. Someone else gave birth to this baby, nursed this child with her own breasts, and changed this baby's diaper for the first time. The mother carried this child for 9 months and should not be treated like a loaner uterus. How are you going to prepare yourself for the dreaded talk to the child about adoption? You can't prepare for that and you can't prepare for the reaction that the child with give you. I was furious. I'm not saying that you will be bad "parents" but a child can retaliate to the news of being adopted and no matter how much to tell this child that you love him/her or that their biological mother was doing what was best, the child will always feel that he/she was not wanted by the one person that should love them no matter what. Children are not puppies and should not be treated as such. IF you want to adopt why not go to the foster homes and adopt one from there? IF you want to adopt a child why not adopt a preteen or even a teen. Fact is that a child over the age of 3-4 are not wanted and left in the system till they become of age. IF you say you have so much love to give and want to culture a child, why not become foster parents yourselves? That way you can give a young adult or even an older child that knows what is going on the sight and feeling of being loved? That way when the child/ teen is of age he/she can move on into adulthood with the knowledge that a couple took them in when no one else would and showed them how to be good adults? You can't just wake up one morning a decide that you want to take a baby from someone and call it your own. Sorry life doesn't work that way.
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